The Santa Barbara Conduit
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: All right. Clearly you need to see the post engagement naughtyt time... You and your baser urges.
1. Pretty Woman II-When Metrosexuals attack

**The Santa Barbara Conduit**

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warner Bros.

**Pretty Woman II-When Metrosexuals attack**

Due to a complicated series of lost wagers, Amy found herself being Rajesh's living Barbie doll for 8 hours on the mean streets of Beverly Hills. It was like Pretty Woman in so much as that everyone wanted to be nasty to her, but were restrained by Raj and his flashing Black AmEX card. After it became clear he was a Hindu Richie Rich in a disturbing sweater vest, champagne flowed and insincerity reigned.

She was torn, on one hand she felt like a princess on the other she now believed that Penny and Bernadette had set her up. Basically because Raj told her she had to allow him buy a new wardrobe because her supposed best friends were now removing all traces of wool and polyester from her closet and unless she wanted to go to work in her Candy Pink Bridesmaid dress, she should relax and let him do his magic. Because they were due to drive up to the Scientific American Conference in Santa Barbara at 6pm to arrive for the opening dinner and cocktail party. After shopping, she still had to be waxed, painted, blown dry and then covered lightly in shellac so she would look shiny all night.

When all was said and done, Amy had to admit that ass-tastic Indian knew how to stage a makeover. Raj, acknowledging that as a brilliant scientist and would likely wander out on the streets in her pj's if she didn't have a "uniform", purchased several pairs of wide-legged gabardine trousers, with light weight blouses of silk or cotton to be worn over silk camisoles and under jackets that complimented, but did not match the pants. She had to admit it looked classy. Raj had been extremely upset to discover that Amy not only had a tiny waist, she had an amazing butt. "Why the in name of cow would you cover that booty up?" he had raged, "If my butt looked like that I would only wear ass-less chaps!"

Amy had no idea how to respond to that last statement.

Raj then proceeded to buy her 2 cocktail dresses (one conservative, the other a daring red number with a "the party's in the back, girl!" vibe), 2 pale silk afternoon dresses (presumably Raj thought she had a heavy schedule of afternoon high teas, because her secret identity was Jane Austen), a completely unnecessary, but gorgeous midnight blue, velvet evening gone studded with Swarovski crystals like the night sky… and a boatload of panties, bras, Spanyx, thigh-hi hose and sexy pj's. Amy concluded this meant that her underwear had likewise been sacrificed to the cruel, yet benevolent god of makeovers.

After all had been concluded, Raj had them wrap her in white muslin, and dragged her across the street to the beauty torture palace and spa. Happily, the lead beauty person, gave her half a tab of valium and she slept through everything. When she woke up 3 hours later, she had been transformed and dressed in her more conservative cocktail dress. (Who? When? Christ, was she wearing a thong and garter belt? How?) After recovering from her completely sound panic attack, she looked at herself in the mirror. The dress, while modest was the most daring garment she had ever owned. It was an knee length burgundy shift dress, her arms and décolletage were covered by a sheer fabric, giving the impression of skin without showing any. She wore light colored house and copper colored stiletto heels she was fairly certain Penny would steal very soon. The beauty make over while profound was subtle. Her make-up made her face glow, her eyes seem greener and her lips look inviting, but she still looked like herself. Also, the hair was styled in a Veronica Lake wave, but she could still see. She wore the frameless glasses that Penny had brown beaten her, Bernadette and Leonard into purchasing at the Galleria 3 weeks earlier.

Raj looked quite satisfied, "That is how you should look! If I had that ass, that skin and that hair, I'd rule this town. Now come milady, let's get up to Santa Barbara and let your gentleman get a look at you." He ushered her out into a waiting limo, where a selection of her new clothes and beauty supplies had been packed into new Louis Viton luggage and had been stowed in the trunk.

Amy settled down into the back of the limo, pondering this transformation. There was a better than average chance that Sheldon would either not notice or not approve. The chances of him being stunned by her beauty and wanting to immediately make sweet love to her, seemed remote, at best. She frowned.

"No! No, frowning!" Raj cried, snapping his fingers in front of her face, "the make-up is delicate, frowning could destroy everything!" Amy tilted her head in question. "It just will, young lady! Tell me why you are frowning. You look amazing, you are dressed to the nines on your way to a weekend of fun and science in Santa Barbara. And a little birdie told me you and Sheldon have adjoining rooms…" Amy's eyes went wide with shock, "I am the little birdie. I switched the rooms up. You are welcome."

"It won't matter." Amy said softly, "He is either going to be indifferent to or disapprove of the make-over. And if he does like it, he won't say anything…"

Raj sat next to her on the bench, handing her a glass of champagne, "Amy, you have chosen a hard path, trying to land Sheldon Cooper. There isn't one woman in a billion possessing the intellect, the drive and the heart to make that weirdo her stallion. And you are the only one living in the Greater Los Angeles area… My point is, you are succeeding, you will succeed and you have support, all our support."

"Really?"

"Hell yes! Number one, it will be fun to mock him for his hypocrisy, number two if you don't close this deal, we risk losing you, which no one in our social circle will ever let happen…" Raj paused.

"Why?"

"Because he cares if you are happy… or at least, he cares if you are distressed. Sheldon Cooper apologized to you! He bought you an apology tiara! Do you know how many guys will buy a tiara for a girl… Only dukes! And only on your wedding day, kid. Your being with him saves us from having to make Mrs. Cooper fly in from Texas every 2 months." He continued rabidly.

Amy smiled at him, "Thank you Rajesh. I am in this for the long haul, it is just the weekend that I dread. Not just Sheldon's reaction, I also have to make my presentation dressed in slacks! Like a floozy!"

"Like a modern day Katharine Hepburn, young lady!" Raj scolded. "But you may have a point. If Sheldon reacts unfavorably, I will arrange for it to be handled." He grinned confidently, "You look amazing, if he doesn't notice, others will. And trust, he will notice that."

"I don't like to play mind games… that's not true… I don't want to do something that will upset Sheldon. I don't want him to be upset." Amy said earnestly.

"You really do love him, don't you?" Amy averted her eyes at the question, and Raj grinned at the top of her head, "Don't fret, dear. You have to do nothing, but look gorgeous and talk science. This is your night. Not even Sheldon Cooper can mess this up."

**This is a little plot bunny, I've been wrestling with. A lot of fics try to pair Amy off with someone less worthy to make Sheldon jealous, what if she actually attracted the interest of someone good enough for her? **


	2. Just because soup is served cold

**Just because soup is served cold, that doesn't make it fancy**

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warner Bros.

Penny was already bored. The rest of the crew was acting like it was prom night, but she had been to science parties before. Unless Sheldon got drunk, this was going to be a long night. She snagged a glass of white wine from a passing waiter and downed it. On the bright side, she was in Santa Barbara, staying at a swanky resort in a romantic Jacuzzi suite with Leonard and she didn't have anything to do during the day, but tanning and spa services. And there was at least one event of interest, Amy would be arriving soon fresh from her day as Rajesh's Barbie Doll. She and Bernadette had not thrown out Amy's clothes as directed. The collection of wool and polyester was currently sitting in Howard's mom's garage in a series of garbage bags. That place had a serious problem with Raccoon sized rats. If the rats ate the clothes, it would become a beautiful circle of life kind of thing and less of a mean "we stole your ugly clothes" thing.

Sheldon, Leonard and Howard stood in a group saying science stuff to each other and mocking the crowd from USC. They all looked quite nice wearing suits and ties that were completely free of whimsy. Not a super hero tee-shirt, sweat jacket or dicky to be seen anywhere. Howard was wearing a huge NASA buckle, but he was Bernadette's problem.

Speaking of Bernadette, she was pacing nervously, her bright blue eyes glued to the door. She'd been texting Raj and Amy all day. Nothing. Raj had warned her and Penny that he and Amy would be cell phone free all day, but seriously! Who does that? Also, who forces a friend to get a make-over by rigging a bar bet and stealing her clothes? Who does that? She kept muttering "Who does that?" Penny thought to intervene, but she was Howard's problem now.

Sheldon also was keeping an eye on the door. Amy and Raj were late. Since Amy would never be late, it must be Raj's fault. Here he was spouting golden zingers about inferior scientists with only Leonard and Howard to hear them. Of course it was no matter, he would regale her with them at dinner. He wasn't looking forward to dinner. These events always used too much sauce, the dinner rolls would have an unacceptable amount and variety of seeds in them and the only soup choice would be mango kiwi gazpacho. Then the desert would be something a flambé that had no business being a flambé. From a digestive stand point, this was a weekend in hell.

"Dr. Cooper, Dr. Hoffstader, Mr. Woolowitz… Good evening, gentlemen." President Joshua Siebert greeted them with half smile, "there are almost no donors here," he mused, scanning the room looking for signs of conspicuous wealth and finding only ill-fitting suits with laser burns. He tried to be philosophic about the lack of money to be found. Hey, he spent 80% of his waking life fundraising. It might be nice to concentrate on the actual beauty of science for a weekend. Cooper had launched on to some topic that was not science related, so all Joshua heard was "blah, blah, Not Physics… blah." He excused himself and moved on.

"Amy!" Bernadette called, "Raj!" Bernie smiled, Amy looked so pretty! She can't be mad about the closet desecration… Penny gave a drunken wolf whistle as they broke from the pack and went to greet their friend, squealing like 10 year olds.

Sheldon froze. He frowned. Amy looked different. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. He had to break it down. She was wearing a cocktail dress, with long, see-through sleeves. That was impractical, he thought, the frown deepening, she gets cold so easily. Also it robbed him of the chance of seeing one her dressier cardigans. Maybe the dark blue one, that would have been warm and appropriate. The bust of the dress seemed a little low cut, but still modest. The skirt was an adequate length, but the high heels were just disturbing. While they made her legs look long and lean, she had weak ankles. Did no one think of these things? Sure Raj. Put her in those shoes, that orthopedic nightmare. It won't be you giving her a piggy back ride to the room when she twists her ankle. Her hair was loose. Raj! Don't you know, she hates it when her hair gets in her face. That is why she wears the barrette. Her face was glowing just like it always did, so at least they didn't pile on floozy paint. She looked nice, but she always looked nice. Now he was going to have to watch her all night, like a hawk, lest she be injured, catch cold or be driven crazy by wayward hair.

Amy smiled and walked up to him. The 3 ½ inch heels were nice in that he didn't have to look down as far to see her. "Hello, Sheldon, sorry we're late."

"Are you cold?" He asked abruptly.

"No, I should be fine, I have a shawl." Amy responded.

"Do your feet hurt?"

"Oh. Yes they do. I am stuck with them tonight, but Penny has promised to give them a good home." Amy responded, trying not to take this line of questioning to heart. At least Sheldon noticed her shoes and that he was concerned about her legendary ability to be cold wherever she was… suddenly she was distracted by Sheldon pushing the hair out of her face…

"Good lord, this is going to drive you nuts!" Sheldon fretted. "good lord, your hair is crunchy." A wave of pure joy swept through Amy, he might not care if she was pretty, but he seemed to care deeply about her comfort and well being. He offered her his arm and they went in to the dining room for dinner.

Penny and Leonard came up behind them. Penny hooted, "Girl, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave!"

Amy laughed and Sheldon glanced back to glare at the tipsy blond, "Leonard this is a fancy party, keep your woman in line."

Across the room Joshua Siebert watched the friends head into dinner. The attractive brunette on Cooper's arm, could that be the fabled girl friend? He had heard tell of the mystic creature, but something so awesome had to be an urban myth, like the guy with a hook for a hand or raccoon sized rats living in Pasadena. She looked stylish, attractive and brilliant. She was something impressive, he remembered, but what? Something in Biology, he thought. He would have to stop by to say hello later.

It would only be polite.

Because they were a group of 7, then had a table of their own with the 8th spot being taken by a colleague of Bernadette's, Padma Patil. "Like the Harry Potter character!" Raj enthused. Padma blushed a dusky pink, "Actually, it was my name first. In India, it is the equivalent of being named Katie Bell." She said to the rest of the table. The Potterians snickered appreciatively, Penny shrugged, but smiled. Raj discretely shot the lady members of his posse an excited thumbs up.

Amy declined to drink wine and joined Sheldon in ordering a fancy microbrew root beer. She was still mildly tipsy from mixing champagne and valium earlier and resolved to pace herself. Sheldon leaned over and asked, "Who is she? Should time be expended getting to know her?"

Amy nodded, "We aren't sure. Maybe. She is a tropical disease specialist, she comes from Mumbai, her family is in the medical profession and she has crippling Social Anxiety disorder."

Sheldon frowned, "She is conversing. Does she self medicate like Raj." He gave the universal signal for drinky, drinky. Amy grinned and nodded. "Good thing no one is driving."

Following a long winded welcoming ceremony during which Sheldon gazed despondently at the vichyssoise (cold soup. Just because it is fancy doesn't mean it is good.), and the main course was mysterious meat smothered in a cinnamon butter sauce. And of course the dinner rolls were poppy, flax and sun flower seed, walnut oat bread. He was purely prepared to vomit on principle. Amy sensed that Sheldon was becoming cranky. The drastic change from his usual menu was likely to render him irregular and therefore snippy as hell for the next two days. When the apple pie a flambé came out, Sheldon decided he'd had enough of this nonsense, he stood up. "I am going to bed."

"Sheldon, it is 8:17pm. You have at least another hour and forty-three minutes before you need to get your jammies on," Amy smiled up at him. His gazed dropped to her face and then further down to where the sheer fabric discreetly revealed her cleavage. His stomach swooped, no doubt due to the cinnamon butter sauce and seed buns.

"I have to go. You should go to bed too. You have your presentation tomorrow." Sheldon gave her his hand, suddenly very much desiring her to not be in this room with these ruffians with those breasts.

"My presentation is at 2:30pm tomorrow, as long as I have a bloody mary from breakfast, I'll be good. Don't go to bed yet. You don't have to eat the fire dessert, but the music is about to start." She reasoned, standing up, her skirt had ridden up slightly to reveal the lace tops of her stockings. Irrationally, Sheldon wondered where her tights were. They were so nice and opaque. And thermal. They kept her legs warm. His stomach continued to flip flop, as he wondered if her legs were cold right now. Should he touch them? Argh!

"I am going to bed." Sheldon announced. Then without saying another word he turned and stormed out of the ballroom.

Raj frowned, "So what was the verdict? Love, hate, didn't notice?"

"He noticed, he was concerned that I would be cold without my sweater and that I would break my ankle in these shoes," Amy turned to stare at Raj, "On the last one, I share his concern." Raj fished out a small package from his coat pocket, unzipped and voila, ballet slippers.

"Just remember to give Penny the shoes. I don't even think they are her size, she said for Manolo's she'd be willing to lose a toe." Raj drifted back to talk to Padma.

Siebert saw Dr. Cooper storm out of the ballroom leaving a bemused brunette frowning after him, perhaps he should make the acquaintance of this urban myth, which had learned from Dr Kripke was named Amy Farrah Fowler, Neurobiologist at UCLA. Of course Kripke had pronounced it Wamy Fawwa Fawwrrr, so he googled her to make sure it was the right lady. She covered a prestigious journal this year. Impressive. He saw he kick off her high heels and slip on a pairs of ballet slippers. Her legs. Also impressive. She picked up the shoes with two fingers and waved them at a gorgeous blond woman, who squealed, embraced Dr. Fowler, took the shoes and ran off.

He decided to approach, "Dr. Fowler," Joshua took a chance, the young woman turned to him and smiled slightly, "allow me to introduce myself, I am president Siebert of Cal Tech."

"President Siebert, how nice to meet you." She offered her hand to be shaken. "I've heard so much about you." She hedged, with smile.

"Nothing good, I imagine." He grinned. She was much prettier close up. All bright eyes, glowing skin and shy smiles.

Amy nodded, "I am surprised you didn't bring your whip. To spur scientific innovation."

"I'd be offended, but that is marvelous idea. You scientists are so lazy," he hailed a waiter, "would you like some wine?"

So much for sobriety, "Sure, why not?"

The waiter stopped in front of them, "this is latest vintage in Organic wine." The young man said mechanically. They nodded, took a glass and clinked. As they took their first sips, the realized separately that Organic doesn't always mean good.

"You know when you were young, at family parties when you would just leave your can of 7up on the table for 3 seconds, and then you take another sip and realize your aunt drowned her cigarette but in it?" Amy put the glass down, "That wine brings me back."

Joshua put his glass down too, "Let me buy you a real drink." He offered her his arm and she accepted. The bar area was quite crowded, apparently they weren't the only ones trying to chase the taste of wine soaked cigarette butt from their mouths. Finally, Josh waived down a bartender and ordered two vodka martinis. "is this your first time at this conference?" he asked loudly above the buzz of the crowd.

"No, I attended in Geneva 5 years ago when I had a fellowship at the university." Amy called back, "This is my first time presenting, though."

Presenting? Fellowship at the university in Geneva? Joshua's had left impressed behind, and had moved on to fawning over her. "I'd love to take in your lecture tomorrow. Ah drinks!" he took the liberty of handing her the drink, his fingers lightly caressing the back of her hand, then picking up his own, "Cheers!" They each took a sip and they each made a face. "Okay, wow. That is a lot of vermouth!" Seeing Amy wrinkle her nose, and set the drink down. "Let me buy you another drink!"

"No way Siebert." Amy shook her head, before explaining with amused regret, "You are a booze jinx." Taking that as a challenged, he ducked around the bar and grabbed a bottle of scotch, with a blue label and proceeded to pour two glasses. Amy looked up at him with her sparkling green eyes, "Is my dead grandfather joining us for drinks? Because he was the only person who I ever saw drink scotch."

"Trust me. This is the good stuff." He handed her the glass. Amy locked eyes with him as she took a sip. It burned, but it was smooth at the same time. Also, she felt kind of macho… She raised her glass, and downed the rest. "Dr. Fowler, you don't chug Blue Label." He chided taking a sip of his drink.

"No, you don't Siebert," Amy felt her brain swimming in scotch, "I do what I want."

"Call me Joshua." He smiled again. "Would you care to dance?"

15 minutes later, as Sheldon prepared for bed after taking a longer, colder shower than usual, a notification popped up on his laptop. "Amy Farrah Fowler has been tagged in a picture." Without preparing himself he clicked on the link. Up popped a picture of a laughing Amy dancing in the arms of President Siebert.

**Okay, I am my own beta, so I apologize for typos. But I don't apologize for finding Joshua Malina cute as hell. I also think Siebert and Amy would make a plausible couple. **


	3. Keep her Warm

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warner TV

**Keep her warm**

Sheldon stared at the picture for a full 3 seconds before the facial twitching started. He looked at the clock. It was 9:32 pm. He had left the dining room at precisely 8:18. Someone worked fast.

The picture had been posted on Bernadette's Facebook Profile along with pictures of Raj and Padma. The offending photo was captioned. "Shake it, Amy! Shake it!" Bernadette had just been awarded her second strike. He could not, at this time, name the infraction, but clearly there had been one.

Sheldon WAS NOT jealous. How could he be? Siebert was barely a scientist anymore, he'd gone the administrative route. An essential role, but in the end, Siebert was nothing but skilled labor. A money Oompa Loompa. Even his tan was suspect. And of course he'd be drawn to a woman of Amy's substance. She was a brilliant neurobiologist, and a ruthless fundraising machine. But she was kind of tarted up tonight… Thanks again Raj… Siebert wasn't that bright, also, he was bound to be a slave to his baser instincts. He might willfully misunderstand the cleavage and the heels. Amy was an innocent. Also, the heels made it unlikely she could flee without injury.

Gritting his teeth, decide to break a cardinal rule. He was going to be put the clothes he had worn earlier in the evening back on. Good Lord. This trip was a nightmare.

Amy and Joshua went back to the bar after arriving at the mutual decision to NOT dance to Gangam Style. Joshua ordered them each a beer. Amy raised her eye brows at his assumption and he grinned, "You can't just stop drinking. It is necessary to taper off."

"I'll have to test that hypothesis on my primates. They usually just drink what is given to them, masturbate and pass out." Amy said, glancing around the room, missing Josh choking back a laugh. "This is turning into a bacchanalia."

"God, I wish! I look amazing in a toga." Josh grinned, "I could crown you with grape leaves."

Amy laughed, "I am shooting for a wreath of laurels."

"Ah, chasing the Nobel Prize?"

"Every scientist here is chasing that. It is in our natures. I know it is for Sheldon, he and I are very much alike." Amy smiled dreamily when she mentioned her boyfriend. Josh found it adorable and sickening.

"I don't see that. Look at you, having a drink, up and about at almost 10 o'clock at night, shaking hands with strangers and not dousing with hand sanitizer… You seem quite different to me." Josh leaned in, smiling. Because of the drinking, Amy was momentarily mesmerized by his dimples and failed to notice when he leaned in closer to her.

Over Josh's shoulder she saw Sheldon enter the bar like a sexy praying mantis. Beaming, she stood up, "Excuse me Joshua, I have to go." She happily made a bee line for Sheldon.

Sheldon saw her flee from Siebert and suddenly felt quite heroic. She looked quite happy as she stood before him, "You came back!"

"Obviously." Sheldon pulled a modified Koala ace. "I felt that leaving you to fend for yourself in this sea of the unwashed, was perhaps, not chivalrous."

Amy linked arms with him, "I understand. That menu was nothing but trouble. But you are here now, and I promise you don't have to stay long. We'll just do a lap and call it a night." To Sheldon's distress, the lap would be starting with Siebert. "Joshua, look who came back!"

Joshua had literally never been less excited to see Sheldon Cooper. "Dr. Cooper."

"President Siebert." Sheldon practically hissed. Amy might not know what Siebert was up to, but Sheldon was starting to have a pretty good idea. He felt the hot blood of his Texan forefathers catch fire in his veins and blaze three words across his brain.** Oh, Hell no! **Letting instinct take over, Sheldon slung his arm around Amy's waist and pulled her firmly to his side. Amy looked up at him with surprise, but decided to just see how this was going to play out. "Still no donors in sight?"

Through narrowed eyes, Josh glared, "Dry as can be." The Siebert hot blood had been acquired through extensively interbreeding Italians with Prussians. A little Texan attitude was hardly going to sway him. It actually might make spending time with Amy even sweeter.

"Amy, President Siebert really is a marvel. He is a fundraising machine. It makes my important work much easier to know that someone like him, is taking care of running the money down." His voice dripped with contempt and a hint of twang. He smiled, tightly, guiding Amy away, "If you'll excuse us, we have some other people to say hello to before we call it a night." The implication that Amy missed and Joshua understood was that they'd be calling it a night in the same bed.

The rest of the lap took less than 15 minutes and Sheldon, still holding Amy firmly to his side, walked them to the elevator. "What is your room number?"

Amy laughed, "Right next door to you. Raj made sure we have adjoining rooms." Sheldon nodded, well that was one thing Raj had done right today.

One of the side benefits of having his arm around Amy was that Sheldon was able to help regulate her body temperature. He could feel the chill of her skin through the sheer material of her sleeve. He then noticed the heels were gone, "Amy, what happened to your shoes?"

"Oh, Raj had these for me. He knew I couldn't go the distance," she chuckled again, wow, she was in a good mood! "I gave them to Penny, I think she might be sawing off a couple of toes to a make them fit." Okay, thought Sheldon, that made 2 things Raj did right today.

The rest of the elevator ride was silent, Sheldon rubbed both Amy's arms to warm her up. He escorted her to her door and they wished each other a good night.

Alone in her room, Amy felt very positive. Sheldon had been very attentive, even if it was only because he feared she might freeze to death or fall off her shoes. To her that was progress. Also she had really gotten to know Raj and she had made a new friend in Joshua. She espied her expensive new luggage and decided to see what Raj thought sleepwear entailed. Opening the suitcase, she frowned, "oh Hell no!"

Next door Sheldon got back into his pajamas. His room was quite chilly, he should go next door and make sure Amy was warm… tucked in… alone. He knocked on the door that linked their rooms. knock, knock, knock "Amy," knock, knock, knock "Amy," knock, knock, knock "Amy." He heard her voice answer that her side was open.

"I just brought you another blanket. The hotel seems to be trying to freeze us out." Sheldon called.

Amy popped her head out of the bathroom, "Excellent! Raj's idea of ladies' sleepwear is a little less cozy than mine." Before Sheldon had time to wonder what that meant, Amy walked out of the bathroom, wearing a little piece of pale pink silk, held up by two little straps. It barely came down to her mid-thigh. It was so thin that he could make out the color of her panties (purple) and the fact that she wore no bra and did indeed have nipples. Perky nipples that clearly reacted to cold stimulus. All information Sheldon didn't feel like he needed right then. "I am going to be damn ice cube by morning." She said with finality.

Sheldon's mouth went dry and he nodded to agree with her whatever it was she had just said. She smiled at him and went to accept the blanket that he was now holding firmly in front of his hips. "This will help." He bleated, handing it over. Happily Amy didn't take the chance to glance down at the situation that was brewing in his pajama bottoms. Without waiting for her thank you, he nodded curtly and fled the room.

Later that night, Sheldon hear a knock from Amy's side of the door, he sat bolt upright in his bed, "What is it?" he called. The door opened and Amy stood in the doorway, back light by golden light. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and looked cloud soft.

"Sheldon, I am cold." She sighed.

"Put the other blanket it on." He replied staring at her. He could clearly see the outline of her naked body through the silk.

"But I am cold." Amy wrapped her arms around herself, looking at him, her eyes large and pleading.

"I can't help." Sheldon replied, suddenly terrified.

He heard another door open and saw President Siebert dressed in pajamas identical to his own, come up behind Amy and wrap his arms around her. "I'll keep you warm." He whispered, placing a kiss near her ear. He drew her back into her room. Sheldon followed, watching as the other man lay her down on the bed, drew the covers up, held her against his chest and stroked her back until she fell asleep, murmuring into her hair. "I'll keep you warm."

Sheldon woke in a cold sweat, gasping.


	4. Well, someone slept well…

**Well, someone slept well…**

_A/N: Amy/Siebert fans… You are shipping the SiAm. My pairing, I get to name it. Just know, it is probably not going to happen for you…_

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warner.

Joshua Siebert hated his job, but he was good at it. He lay in bed brooding about it. Realistically, he had contributed more to science by making sure the lights stayed on in the labs at Cal-Tech than he ever could have pursuing his own academic and scientific ambitions. But that didn't erase the fact that those ambitions existed and that they haunted him. He had several scientific divisions that he directly supervised. He spent his entire life herding cats. Not just cats, arrogant cats, each of whom believed only in the primacy of their own research, his job was to resolve their issues.

Their issues. His field of study had been molecular chemistry, not abnormal psychology, so resolving their issues didn't just happen naturally. Every time Koothrapoli had to give a lecture, someone had to be there with a flask so he could go through with it. Kripke had a speech impediment and a completely unwarranted superiority complex. And a really wealthy extended family. Winkle was a nymphomaniac. Not in the fun way either. In the "oh my god that is tragic!" way. But since she now kept it off campus, it wasn't his problem. As neurotic as Hoffstader and Woolowitz were, they represented the sane people in the office.

That left Cooper. He was brilliant. He produced theories that could be substantiated. He was on track to win the Nobel Prize before he turned 40. And he was just an ass! He whined like a two year old whenever the cafeteria changed its menu or when they ran out of green jello. Because what? His brain was fueled by green jello? And as mysophobic as he supposedly was, that didn't stop him from accosting people in the men's room when they were in mid-stream. It happened so often, Josh was developing his own phobia, the fear of being surprised while urinating by the OCD version of Ichabod Crane in a damn flash tee shirt.

Josh almost had it worked out in his head that it would be heroic to rescue Amy from the bear trap of the relationship agreement. After Cooper had whisked the delightful Dr. Fowler away to a night of not having sex, Josh had done some digging. Sheldon may have good friends, but every single one of them was more than happy to talk shit about him over a cocktail. According to his information, gleaned from multiple sources, the Shamy, as they were known, were not in a physical relationship, but rather in a twisted little emotional/intellectual co-dependency defined by Sheldon for no other reason than to maintain control of Amy while guarding his own autonomy.

And that just pissed Josh off. He'd lain awake all night thinking about it. Yes, he'd only just met Amy tonight so these swirling emotions where all related to the fact that she made the blood drain from his brain to points south, and then made it rush back to the north, so he could listen to her talk. He'd spent 2 hours with her tonight. Danced with her twice, one slow, one fast; tried unsuccessfully to ply her with liquor, laughed more than he had in the last 2 months and been given a pet name. Jinx.

All this had led to him having a shower wank, while imagining taking a bath with Amy and then making love. His shower wanks were usually dirtier than that, involving a naughty librarian who needed to be tamed… Dr. Fowler would be good at that. Perfect.

Unbidden, a vision of Amy walking toward him, taking off her glasses, opening her blouse came to his mind. She smiled seductively and sat on the study table in front of him, her demur skirt sliding up revealing the tops of her lace stockings, "now Jinx, honey, what are we going to do about all these over-due books?"

Unlike Josh and Sheldon, Amy slept like a baby. Wearing less clothes had actually led to her feeling warmer as she slept. She was toasty. She'd had a particularly vivid dream, where Sheldon had crept into her room without knocking, pulled the covers back, ran his fingers up and down her bare arm, stroked her hair, checked under the bed, then crept out. She would have thought it was real, but he hadn't knocked. She frowned, he usually kissed her when she dreamt of him. Oh well, there was always tonight for dream romp.

Heaving the mountain of blankets off of her body, she slid out of bed. 7 am. Well wasn't she lazy this morning? She fired up her laptop and popped a coffee module into the coffee machine and went to take her shower. She mentally listed all her duties for the day and they were piling up. Breakfast with the gang, attending Bernie's panel, then attending Kripke's panel with Sheldon and Howard, sitting in the back and MST3King the hell out of it. Spa lunch with Bernadette and Penny, follow by a quick stop at the coffee shop to grab some real food. Then the presentation of her paper. She didn't enjoy public speaking, but she did it. Her work was important and this was one way she showed the world that it was. Finishing with her ablutions, she checked out her wardrobe options. Her new work uniform or the silk afternoon dress. She loved the silk, it looked like flowing water and did nice things to her eye color. But it wasn't serious enough and Sheldon hadn't been wrong when he notated that the hotel's air conditioning skewed toward the arctic circle. She could wear her jacket over the dress. She tried it, "ladies and gentlemen, Miss Zooey Deschanel talks science!" Amy abandoned the plan, she could wear the silk for dinner tonight. She opened her new toiletry kit to find a booklet entiled "Making Amy beautiful.. everyday!" It was contained detailed instructions for her hair and make up regimes.

After she had finished her make up and started trying to weave her hair into a fishtail braid that had been featured in the section entitled, "keeping the hair out of your face without looking CRAY-ZEEE". She heard the dulcet, staccato sounds of Sheldon knocking on the door and calling her name. She called for him to come in. He paused at the door and nodded with approval of the jacket and pants ensemble that Raj had created. "you aren't ready."

She shook her head. "I apparently an IQ of over 180 doesn't mean that I can braid my own hair."

Sheldon came up behind her and looked at the booklet, "that is a complicated braid." He took the comb from her hand and motioned to the bed, "come here."

"You braid hair?" Amy asked sitting on the bed.

"I have a twin sister. She came out of the womb demanding the world braid her hair. It requires spatial reasoning and manual dexterity. I excel at braiding hair." Sheldon sat behind her and combed her long hair, his concentration slightly shot by the scent of her dandruff shampoo and the softness of her tresses as they caressed his hands. He cleared his mind and set to the task at hand. Everything was fine, she was dressed in warm, but attractive clothing, her new shoes looked a little pinchy, but would cause no serious harm. He just needed to finish her hair so that no part of it touched her face and she would be ready for their day. He would not be distracted by the nape of her neck, the happy sighs she made when the comb stroked her scalp and her gentle teasing about how he did indeed excel at everything.

Their day. The day they would spend every minute joined at the hip. The conference would be over tomorrow evening, he would keep Siebert at bay until then. Then things could go back to normal.

**A/N: I wanted to flesh Siebert out as a character and possible threat. Please review! It turns out I love reviews!**


	5. That kind of weekend

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck, Bill and Warner.

**That kind of weekend**

"You can't go." Sheldon said, folding his arms over his chest, his eyes darting around nervously.

"Why? I promised Penny and Bernadette. We are having Spa lunch. Also Padma's coming." Amy mirrored his body posture, except she smiled up at him. She was inclined to treat him with patience this morning… Because thus far it had been the best morning of her life!

First, he spent 20 minutes helping her braid her hair this morning, making sure that no errant hair touched her face (she didn't have the heart to tell him, she only really hated having her hair in her face when she was up to her elbows in monkey feces or a big pail of brains. It was so sweet that he cared). Then, at breakfast, he didn't berate the server or even make a scene when they put cream in his oatmeal instead of 1% milk. He attended Biology panels and skipped physics ones so they could be together. He held her hand wherever they walked.

And then, in the middle of a panel, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder so he could whisper something into her ear… and he left his arm around her! He even toyed with the end of her braid. For a half hour!

According to the relationship agreement, in an instance when one party's personality, behavior or habits changed dramatically and without explanation, the other partner was required to activate the Body Snatcher Protocols.

If this was PodSheldon, Amy wasn't 100% sure she needed to know that. Not today.

Sheldon's shoulder sagged, "Fine, you can go to the hen party. I'll walk you there and I'll be waiting when you are done." His gaze drifted over her head and he frowned for a second before turning his attention back to his girl friend, "I just want us to be together this weekend. All the time." He smiled, tugging at her braid for a second. "this style looks nice on you." Then he leaned down and kissed her cheek.

And that was when Amy woke up.

Except she didn't. Because this wasn't a dream, this was really happening to her. So there, world!

She didn't remember walking to the spa with Sheldon. Her brain was flooded with romantic bliss! She watched him walk back to the atrium and let out the breath she'd been holding all day. "Hoo."

"Hey early bird!" Penny came up behind her. She was dressed in a spa robe and a turban, "Bernie and Padma are already in the sun lounge. Apparently things went weirdly with Padma and Raj last night."

Amy glanced at her bestie with a big smile, "It's been that kind of weekend."

Sheldon had not been replaced by a pod creature, although with the stress he was under, he wished he had been. The moments he had spent alone with Amy this morning braiding her hair, listening to her talk about her presentation, he liked that. That was what he liked. Not public hand holding. Not groping her shoulder like an ape. Not doing what amounted to basically licking her face in the middle of a hallway. But he'd had no choice. Siebert was everywhere, even when he wasn't. And he was going to be everywhere all damn day. So it didn't matter. If Sheldon had to act like an animal to keep his woman safe and, more importantly, to keep her his, he'd take to the bitter end. If that meant urinating outside her hotel room door to mark his territory… What the hell, it was that kind of weekend.

But Amy was getting suspicious, she had to be. At this point it was just a matter of time before she initiated the Cone of Truth and he would be honor bound to tell her everything. And talk about feelings.

Since he was having so many unfamiliar and disturbing ones, there would be a lot to talk about. He just wanted to be alone with Amy, away from all these damn people. And maybe take a nap. He smiled at the thought of snuggling up with her on top of the covers and just going to sleep.

"So he wants what? Where now?" Penny asked with wide eyes.

Padma sucked down her mimosa, "I don't want to talk about it." She threw her head back against the high backed seat, "He is so nice! Why does he want to go that fast? I mean it is weird, right?"

Penny shook her head, "Not at all. It is just these guys. It's how they roll. They imprint on you like baby geese. Even if it takes forever to make a move… They make up their minds fast."

"That's true Padma, at least he isn't stringing you along, letting you think he hasn't made up his mind. Look at Amy, glaciers move faster than Sheldon, but still he made up his mind about her the second she ordered tepid water at the coffee shop." Bernadette gestured at Amy with her champagne glass.

Amy looked up at the mention of her name, "what?"

"Where is your head at, Ames?" Penny asked. "You usually have more to say when the talk gets pervy."

"I just have a lot on my mind," Amy said, taking a sip of her orange juice.

Bernadette giggled, "I bet, you vixen. You were having fun last night. Flirting around…"

"Flirting around? What? How did I miss that?" Penny asked.

"Was that when she was dancing with Raj's boss? He has some moves… and then, Amy he was asking about you." Padma said leaning forward on her elbows.

"Ooooh. Is that what that was! He cornered us too. Tell everything! Did Sheldon freak?" Penny asked.

"No," Amy shook her head, "Because that is not what happened. Josh tried to buy me a drink a couple of times, he eventually succeeded. We danced for about a song and a half, talked about molecules, I gave him a pet name and then Sheldon showed up."

"You gave him a pet name?' Bernadette's eyes widened.

"It wasn't like that. I called him Jinx because he is the booze jinx. He seemed to like it." Amy answered.

"I bet he did." Penny held Amy's gaze and clinked glasses with Padma.

"It doesn't matter, Sheldon came down and I went up with him."

Bernadette lowered her eyes, "And do you know why he came back down?"

"He felt that leaving me alone at the party had been less than chivalrous." Amy was starting to think that sounded unlikely.

"I took a photo of you Dancing with Jinx, put it on Facebook and tagged you." Bernadette smiled. "I can only assume that since he was downstairs 10 minutes later looking kind of rabid that he has your updates on notify."

Amy felt disappointed. Any other time, Sheldon acting like a jealous fool might have been fun. But she thought that he was touching her and being near her because he wanted to, because he felt something new. Now it was all just because he wanted to protect his territory.

She nodded, "Well that certainly makes sense." Amy took a deep breath, "one less mystery in the universe." She sank back in her chair.

If Sheldon was only doing this because he felt he had to, well she would let him know he didn't have to do anything. She was in this for the long haul, just like she told Raj. And if it was forced, then progress meant nothing to her. It had to be real.

_A/N Good news smut fans… I am starting to get bored with Canon._


	6. Tiny Titan of Terror

I own nothing, all belongs to Chuck, Bill and Warner Bros.

_A/N: Okay, no sexy sex time this chapter. Bernadette wants to yell and I can't shut her up._

**Tiny Titan of Terror**

Amy finished her lunch, quietly. The girls tried to get her to talk, but she shook her head and said, "I'm fine. I am just thinking about my lecture…" Padma didn't know Amy well enough to really see the change, but Penny and Bernadette were freaked out and flew into action. When she came into lunch, Amy had been happy and dreamy eyed. Now she was withdrawn and her eyes were very clear. No dreams there.

"Ames," Bernadette said, "it is Sheldon and progress is progress. This is a good thing! If he is jealous of you then that means he feels something. Maybe a bunch of stuff."

"Bernadette is right." Penny offered.

Amy stood up, suddenly, "No she isn't. She isn't right. Progress isn't necessarily progress. He's possessive of me? Jealous? He's possessive and jealous of everything. I am like a stupid comic book. I may even been a stupid rare, vintage comic book. That's worth money, maybe priceless and he doesn't want anyone else to have me. But you know what? He might not even read me, ever, but oh, he has me. And that's the only important thing. To him." She was breathing heavily. "I am going for a walk outside. Tell Sheldon, I'll seem him later, after the lecture." Amy left the spa by a different door and walked out into the garden.

Bernadette and Penny stared at each other, "Crap." And they drank the rest of their cocktails.

Since Penny had a beauty treatment and Padma refused to leave the spa until whatever was going to happen had happened. It was on Bernadette to tell Sheldon that Amy had given him the slip. When she left the spa, Sheldon was sitting on a bench looking alert. "Sheldon, Hi," She called.

"Bernadette? Where's Amy? He asked, frowning.

"She went for a walk in the garden." The small blond reported.

"Alone?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Bernadette saw Sheldon's neck becoming very red and he asked her again, "Why did she go out for a walk. She knew I was meeting her here and that I wanted to spend the day with her."

"Yeah, about that. She knows about facebook. About the picture tag. About why you came back downstairs last night." She stared up at him. His face started to twitch. The angry red color was spreading to his ears and forehead.

"THREE STRIKES!" Sheldon shouted. "THREE!"

Of all the things Sheldon could have said at that moment… that was one Bernadette had not anticipated.

"You have to take the class again." Sheldon's breath was coming faster.

"What? What class? I never took the class!" hands on her hips Bernadette glared up and him, now he was just sounding crazy.

"Yes, Yes, Yes, that is certainly obvious." Sheldon was looking around frantically, trying to see Amy. "Where is she?"

"I am not telling you anything, Dr. Crazy Baseball Metaphors! Except this, she'll see you after the presentation. Three strikes? My ass! That's mighty, big talk from someone who can't find his way to second base!" Bernadette tossed her hair back and stormed off. She was mad! But she felt so damn guilty! For upsetting Amy. Dr. Baseball could just suck it!

Sheldon breathed deeply, "this isn't a big deal. This is fine. I just have to find her before she leaves me forever…" It sounded unlikely, when he thought it, but how would he know? He knew he did something wrong this morning. Not honest. He'd known he was doing something wrong the whole time he was doing it. He knew Amy would take it the wrong way or worse, that she would understand it completely. He needed some advice...

Amy wandered around the gardens until she saw signs that pointing her to the beach bar. Given Sheldon's on going fear of sea gulls, that seemed like a good place to go to avoid him. She had 45 minutes until she had to speak in front of 200 of her peers.

And wow… her head was in a really great place! She wasn't preoccupied… not at all! Sheldon had been right. She should have had lunch with him. If she had, she'd still be blissed out. Of course that might have been just as bad in terms of lecture quality. Conflicted and grumpy actually worked better for serious scientific information than bouncing across the dais, with a huge grin, asking the rhetorical question "Is everybody in love!?"

Confrontation at this point would be useless, she wasn't even 100% sure what, if anything, Sheldon had done was wrong. It just felt wrong. And "it just felt wrong," was nothing she could build a hypothesis around.

The beach bar was as advertised, a bar on the beach. And sitting at a far table, frowning at a laptop was the problem, "Good morning, President Siebert." She greeted him.

"Not Josh?" He smiled up at her, "Not Jinx?"

Shaking her head she sat down in the chair across from him. "Not this morning," Amy folder her arms over her chest, "You are kind of a trouble maker, aren't you?"

"That question requires context. What trouble is it possible I caused?" He waved over a waiter, "Do you want a drink."

"No. It is bad form to lecture while intoxicated." Amy said, looking out at the sea.

"Do not tell Dr. Koothrapoli that. It would end his career. How about an ice tea? They are weird, but you know it is Santa Barbara…"

Amy nodded in agreement. "Santa Barbara is weird. And yes, I'll have an ice tea. I honestly didn't anticipate the weekend going the way it has. Everything is upset. Sheldon is jealous, and I didn't anticipate that."

"Can you always anticipate his behavior?" Siebert asked.

"I study the brain. I can anticipate most people's behavior, assuming I have the correct information about the conditions of the experiment, access to their brain scans and 10 minutes to talk to them. But with Sheldon, now the parameters are unstable, I don't know how to proceed."

Josh nodded, "There's been a change in composition. I served as a catalyst and caused a reaction. And now you need to neutralize the outcome."

Amy rolled her eyes, "Chemists."

"This coming from a woman who claims she can predict human behavior," Josh powered down his laptop, "There is one thing to do."

"And that is?"

"Remove the catalyst from the equation and see if experiment can been stabilized without the influence of outside variables." He returned the laptop its sleeve, "So on that note. I'll be leaving the conference this afternoon."

"You don't have to do that." Amy said, this wasn't his fault, he shouldn't be chased away. In fact she would kill someone to get out of this hotel.

"I do, I have to find another 2 million dollars in funding in the next 3 weeks or… I guess I don't know what will happen. I just always manage get the money." Josh shook his head, "I have to go fundraiser in Beverly Hills tonight. I've got to siphon funds away from a worthy cause."

"I am sorry about this. All of it. I thought, "Great, I have a new friend…" Everyone else gets to make new friends, just not me." Amy said.

After packing up his equipment, Josh stared into Amy's eyes for a second. "Amy, I am going to ask you a question, and I don't want an answer. This thing you are working so hard for, what happens when you get it, if you get it? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Maximum expenditure of energy, no guarantee of reward?" She looked away, blinking away what might have been tears, "Amy. Look at me." She complied, her eyes slightly red. "We just met, Amy, but I like you. It was nice to meet someone like you. It's not appropriate to say that I'd like to see you again. But if it ever becomes appropriate, let me know." He smiled at her and gave her hand a gentle caress. "I'll be at the lecture," He said standing up, "Good luck. With everything. And remember… some experiments, just don't work. So you let them go. Bye, Amy."

He stopped at the bar to pay for the ice tea, which came immediately after he left. It was pomegranate and acai. "It is kind of bitter," the waiter explained, "So we put agave nectar in it."

"Whoopie." Amy said, taking a sip. She made a face, the rolled her eyes, Jinx didn't have better luck with non-alcoholic beverages. She waited a few minutes, pulled out her iPad and began to review her notes.

Josh felt grim as he walked away. He liked Amy, so the correct thing to do was to withdraw. He doubted Cooper could keep up with her for too long. He'd observed the lovey dovey behavior the physicist had displayed toward Amy this morning. It was unconvincing, but to the point. Sheldon would defend against a direct threat.

Without the stimulation of a rival, Cooper would revert to whatever his usual mode of behavior was toward Amy. How had Rajesh describe it? "He treats her much better than most people… but you've seen how he treats most people…" Leonard and his girlfriend, how did they put it? "she's dragging him kicking and screaming into puberty… but we are pretty sure he won't have to reproduce asexually any more… Pretty sure." He didn't know what that meant, but it didn't sound like big pile of fun for Amy.

After the conference, Josh could pursue a friendship with the lovely neurobiologist and wait for Cooper to implode that relationship on his own.

Knock knock knock "Bernadette," knock knock knock "Bernadette." knock knock knock "Bernadette."

The hotel room door swung open to reveal the tiny titan of terror herself, still steaming. "What?" she spat.

Sheldon jumped back and he avoided eye contact. "You don't have to take the class."

"I will never take the class." She growled.

Oh, my god, Sheldon thought. Bernadette is She-Hulk!

"Why are you here Sheldon?"

"I need help with Amy." He said with finality, "I think she is mad at me and I don't know how to fix it. And I don't want to buy another tiara."

"Fine." She-Hulk hissed, "Come in." she led him into the room, "Sit down!" He sat as if startled. "I am only doing this for Amy."

"Understood." He stared at his hands, "She is mad at me."

Bernadette shook her head, "No, she's not mad at you. She is mad at herself for thinking that you might actually want to be a real boyfriend too her."

Sheldon bristled, "I am her real boyfriend."

Bernadette's eye's narrowed, "Really? Then why was this morning such a big deal? You held her hand three times, put your arm around her once? All that is nothing."

"It is something for us." Sheldon grew defensive.

"it is something for you. She's been ready for more for quite some time now. You are the one dragging your feet." Bernadette's rage had subsided and had been replaced with something icier. "You are right to be jealous. The last thing you want is a grown man to show her what she has been missing. Siebert's attractive, he is smart, he has money and I am pretty sure, he'd love to have hot nasty sex with her." Seeing Sheldon's eye twitch, "Don't worry, she doesn't expect that of you. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Because you have an ace in the hole. Amy adores you. Without reason, without limits. And you've never done one thing to deserve her."

"Why are you so angry?" Sheldon asked.

"Because you are mean. You are selfish and you are a child. And she would be much better off without you."

"You are wrong." He opened the door, "She belongs with me, she's better off with me." With that he walked through.

"Sheldon!" Bernadette called, "Then prove it!"

A/N: in the magical story The Star Crossed Glitch, the demon child (my words not Genki's) has always reminded me of Bernadette. Smut's a coming, I promise!


	7. Jammies

I own nothing, everything belongs to Chuck, Bill and the overlords at Warner.

**Jammies**

Sheldon chose his spot in the lecture hall with his usual care. He considered the usual list of complex variables, air flow, distance to fire exits, acoustic sweetness… to this list he added military sightlines. He wanted to see Amy and be seen by her, but he also needed to scoop the room, in case anyone (Siebert) tried to swoop in on her for a post brilliant lecture heated embrace. Bernadette sat with Howard and Leonard on the other side of the room. Probably a good thing. She still had crazy eyes. Every word She-Hulk had hissed, growled and squeaked at him was nestled in his eidetic memory forever. He also saw Siebert enter the room and sit near the back.

He'd been watching Siebert all day. When Sheldon had kissed Amy's cheek outside the spa, when he'd wrapped his arm around her shoulder, it had been because this other man was watching. When Amy had briefly dated Stuart it had been difficult for Sheldon and he'd responded by locking her into an air tight relationship agreement. Which, as it turned out, the little vixen would skirt at will and without repercussion. She also never stopped negotiating. This thought made him grin. It was exciting to face a worthy adversary. Amy was the mistress of quid pro quo, 3 seasons of Star Trek, the original series in 3 weekends vs. 2 seasons each of Downton Abbey and Sherlock over 2 weekends. But that was why Amy was better at this than him. When Amy recklessly flouted the regulations, it benefited them both because everything she wanted them to do together was so much fun! Play Doctor, Star Trek style or play the game of "Smarter than Sherlock" she had created for Sherlock day. "Smarter than Sherlock" had been ridiculously arousing. Mentally. And not arousing… stimulating!

Under that line of reasoning, if everything Amy wanted him to do off the books, so to say, wound up benefiting him and making him happy then if Amy wanted to engage in Coitus, he should just man up (possibly costume up) and do it.

Be that as it may, he had to concentrate on getting Amy out of the room as quickly as possible when the presentation was done. She was James Brown, he was the guy with the cape. Wrap her up and get her out of there. There would be no encores.

His intricate planning process was interrupted by the arrival of Rajesh, who flopped down next to him. "I am going to die alone." He reeked of light beer and sadness.

"I thought that had been established," Sheldon said coldly.

Unbidden, Raj continued, "Padma is perfect. She is cute, fun, she gets wheezy if she has to talk to more than 3 people… Why won't she marry me?"

It was on the tip of Sheldon's tongue to ask "why would she marry you?" but that would have led to a conversation and there was always a chance it was a rhetorical question. Happily, it was time for Amy's introduction, so he didn't have to explore the issue further.

Raj grinned when Amy came on stage and loudly slurred in Sheldon's ear, "Doesn't she look classy? Did you see her ass in those pants? BAM! I am the make-over master. What should my next project be? Dressing Bernadette to seem taller or to make Penny look less like she purchased all her clothes from the 'Everything for 5 bucks' bin at Nordstrom's rack?"

Sheldon jerked away, trying to ignore the icky wetness in his ear, muttering, "And he wonders why he will die alone."

Amy finished the speech. It was informative and laid out controlling addictive behavior through specific stimuli. She radiated brilliance, knowledge and discipline. For some reason the concept of discipline made Sheldon think about the pink nightgown, her bare thighs peeping out the top of her lacy stockings, and the way her ass looked in those pants…

What the hell was happening to him?

After Amy concluded the speech, she rendered his plan of shanghaiing her up to the room moot by walking right up to him. "I am sorry about this afternoon. We should go somewhere and talk."

"Agreed. Let's go." Sheldon stood, held out his hand for her to take.

"That isn't necessary." Amy replied, pushing his hand down to his side. Frowning, Sheldon stubbornly took her right hand in his left and pulled her out of the room. She didn't protest again, but he sensed she wasn't as delighted with the handholding as she had been earlier. He guided her out of the lecture room, avoiding all that might seek to engage her in conversation and pulled her onto an elevator that was full of people. Sheldon held her more securely to his side.

When they got to her room, she sank down onto her sofa and patted the seat next to her. He sat closer than she thought he would.

Once seated, she spoke, "I am not mad at you." Amy said, holding her hands in her lap. "There is nothing to be mad about."

It was then that Sheldon realized everything Bernadette had said was true. Amy adored him, she wanted him, but she really didn't expect too much from him, she had resigned herself to the fact that her need for a "real boyfriend" would never be met. Not by him. Sheldon ardently disliked being blessed by low expectations, it especially irked in this situation, as it meant someone else could still possibly fill that desire. Sheldon needed to show her that wasn't how it was. He looked into her eyes and started talking. "I don't like the thought of you with other men. Flirting, dancing, drinking… It makes me do things."

Amy nodded, leaning back on the sofa, "Like this morning, you acted out with the lovey dovey stuff, like when I went out with Stuart, and you asked me to be your girlfriend. I know."

"You could use that, I know that you could. To make me behave the way you want. To do whatever you want," He brought her legs up into his lap. He wasn't sure if he had a plan. "It would be easy. But you don't do it. Why?"

"I don't want to have to manipulate you, Sheldon. I wasn't trying to this weekend or on that date with Stuart. When I've wanted to move faster, I've told you. I've explained my process, we've discussed things. You've consented… It has to be true, though… If I have to drag it out of you, or you just do it because you are scared, it isn't real. And it has to be real." Amy shivered.

"Are you cold?" He asked. He looked truly concerned.

This made her smile. "Always."

"Are you sleepy?" Sheldon stared at the legs in his lap."

Amy looked puzzled, "A little."

"Do you want to take a nap with me?" Sheldon asked softly, quickly mushing the words together. His eyes darted up when she didn't answer him. Maybe she didn't understand, but when he looked into her face, he knew she did.

"Jammies?" her eyes sparkled with the sudden thrill of negotiation.

"Yes. Not under the covers, but under a blanket." He responded, stroking her calf over her trousers.

"In the interest of full disclosure, the only jammies I have are the scraps of fabric that Raj bought me during the make-over." He nodded in understanding and assent, not trusting his voice. "That means if we will not be under the covers, you will be required to provide me with body heat. Your body heat." Amy clarified. He nodded again. "What is the proposed duration of this nap?"

"Two hours. Commencing at 4 pm, in 15 minutes. I propose we suit up and meet back in my room in 10 minutes to negotiate ground rules." Sheldon said, formally.

Amy swung her legs of his lap, and stood up, "Excellent. I'll bring the blanket you lent me last night." Nodding, Sheldon rose from the sofa and bolted from the room, after the door closed, she squeaked, "hoo."

Mentally, she rejected the idea of texting Penny and Bernadette for advice as too time consuming, muttering, "Keep it together, Fowler, it is a fully clothed nap. Perspective!" She heard Raj's voice in her head, "Not in that nightie, girlfriend… fully clothed is not how to describe that little number… Now look in the beauty book!" Raj's voice commanded. Frowning, Amy grabbed the beauty book, turning to the section called, _Looking so Sexy that even Sheldon Cooper will Salivate_. Amy sat down at the vanity table and read. Following the instructions she began to undo her braid. There seemed to be 9 steps, each more daunting than the last, and she only had a minute to complete each of them! God she loved a challenge!

Over in Sheldon's room, he was trying to pre-wash the shame off his body. "This is sinning." Her heard his mother's voice. "I am over 30, I am taking an afternoon nap in jammies with a woman with whom I am in a committed relationship. I am not making you a grandbaby in your bed with a Hooters waitress, right on top of your _Jesus is Love_ quilt, like George did or climbing through the bathroom window not wearing underwear at 4:30am at age 15 like Missy did." Sheldon thought back. The Mary Cooper in his brain hedged…"Well they have Jesus in their hearts…" Sheldon's eyes widened, did he just win an argument about sex with the voice of his mother that lived in his guilt center?

Not that there was going to be sex. This was nap. Sheldon reminded himself as the memory that he had condoms in his emergency kit hit him in the middle of his limbic system. "Oh. Boy."

At 3:55pm, Amy knocked on the door that joined their rooms and Sheldon flung it open immediately. "Hi." They squeaked in unison. Amy slunk in, holding the folded blanket in front of her body. She walked to the bed, turned around and faced him, smiling.

She had undone the braid, so her hair fell around her face in long romantic waves, her cheeks were very pink, she wasn't wearing glasses and her eyes were shining. "Okay." She got down to business, "ground rules?"

"Jammies stay on." Sheldon stated, blushing, "But they can get moved around a bit."

Amy smiled brightly at him then she noticed he wasn't wearing an undershirt. She raised an eyebrow. Interesting. "Agreed. What about kissing?"

"To be discussed as need the need arises." Sheldon said sternly then rolled his eyes as Amy started to giggle, "Mind out of the gutter, Dr. Fowler."

"Dude," she imitated Raj, "Don't try to change me."

"Dangerously close to ruining the moment," Sheldon folded his arms.

"You mean you are actually going to make me take nap?" Amy asked, grinning, "I promise, on my honor, Dr. Cooper, I'll be good. Good-ish." She put the blanket on the bed in front of her, giving Sheldon his first real good look at the rest of her. The late afternoon sun poured through the window behind her, making her hair and skin glow like fire. White panties today… he noted… lacy.

"Lie down on the bed." He said, firmly. She complied, her cheeks getting even pinker. He unfolded the blanket and laid it over her legs, before sliding under it himself.

They lay facing each, inches separating them. He reached out and ran his hands down her arm to her hands, then back up, making her shiver. "come here, Chilly," he drew her into a close embrace, throwing one leg over her bare ones. Amy's heart was racing and Sheldon felt like he was having a coronary.

"Chilly?" she laughed pressing her lips against his throat.

"You are the one who likes to give adults precious nicknames. I thought you would like one." He whispered, running his hands over the silky material that covered her back. She sighed, gently biting his jaw and running her hand down his chest, over the buttons of his pajama shirt. He growled softly, finding his hands in her hair, he pulled her away from his neck and looked into her darkened green eyes, "kissing needs to be discussed." He said, rolling her on her back and pinning her to the bed.

Wrapping one leg around his waist, Amy smiled up at him, "I didn't kiss you. I bit you. There is no prohibition on biting. Or sucking and licking for that matter."

"Good Lord, if I agree to kissing, can there be?" Sheldon asked, acting more distressed than he actually felt, from this position every inch of Amy's face, neck, arms and décolletage looked like something he wanted to bite, lick or suck. And kiss.

Amy was suppressing the urge to completely lose her cool. She could easily slip into babbling, giggling, Christ, even chanting wasn't out of the question… And this was not the time. Sheldon was on top of her, she could feel his whole body pushing her down onto the bed. He was warm and even flannel couldn't change the fact that no one sexier lived on the planet. She laced her fingers behind his head and pulled him closer, not trusting her voice, she kissed him. Just a soft press of her lips against his, just everything she'd always dreamed of doing. To her joy, he kissed back, to her shock, he deepened the kiss… Then she felt him grab a handful of her hair and gently jerked her head back, breaking the kiss. Amy whimpered and tried to reengage, but he held her away from him. "You always kiss me." His face was sad, "I never kiss you. I know that is my fault… I want to. I just don't know… how."

"Just do it," she smiled, he was her Sheldon, her innocent, obnoxious, neurotic Prince Charming. "There is no way it could bad." Amy twisted so her hands could unbutton his jammies, "It is your kiss. You excel at everything." He didn't protest as she opened his shirt, slipped her still cool fingers against the pale flesh of his chest. Grasping one of her questing hands, he kissed her fingertips.

"I want to do this," he drew her hand behind his head again and leaned closer, trying to find the words that would explain what this was. "This is real."

Sheldon kissed her, softly, pressing her down into the bed. He felt the world swirl around him, the soft silk of her night gown against his bare chest, the warmth radiating from the creamy flesh beneath the gown, sweet smelling hair brushing his face, the light scratch of her nails over the nape of his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist pulling him closer and closer… Her parted lips kissing him back… everything in the world, soft, wet, warm… desperate.

One lone thought flashed across his brain. There was a lot a person could do with their jammies still on.

_**A/N: I am sorry… this so PG 13… but have you ever tried to get these people to take off their underwear? They won't do it! I promise the actual details will be coming in flash back and hen party chatter form.**_


	8. It's a nap! Just a nap!

Iown nothing, all belongs to Chuck, Bill and Warner's

**It's a nap! Just a nap!**

There is one problem with being the kind of person who always answers their phone or immediately responds to texts, tweets and poke… the second you adopt radio silence, people assume you are dead in a ditch somewhere.

At 4:53pm, Sheldon and Amy were still rolling around and moaning on his bed. The one lone blanket had long since been kicked to the floor. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between the two that everything above the waist was fair game for general and specific naughtiness and items below the waist were on the do not touch list. Although one or two body parts on the do not touch list were hoping to renegotiate their status at the top of the hour.

The moment the roof caved in on them, Amy had Sheldon on his back and was trailing kisses from his stomach to his neck while his hands ran through her completely messy hair.

"AMY!" KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, "YOU IN THERE?" It was Penny, pounding on Amy's door. "AMY!"

Panicked, Sheldon rolled out from under Amy, threw back the covers and dragged them over their heads to create a little fort. He whispered, "You are not in there. You do not have to answer."

"AMY!" shrilled Bernadette, "WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!"

When Amy started to roll out bed, he pulled her back, "they know nothing."

"WE JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU… OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!" Penny sounded worried. Silence fell for a few moments, but even under a duvet, a blanket, a flat sheet and a completely superfluous coverlet, Sheldon's Vulcan hearing could detect milling around outside the adjoining rooms.

"SHELDON!" Leonard's voice rang out and he pounded on Sheldon's door, "WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY FOR DINNER!"

"Oh, Shamy!" Raj called drunkenly, "we've got a limo… Par-tay…"

Amy started to giggle, Sheldon sternly put his hand over her mouth, "shhhhh."

Through his fingers Amy whispered, "But they aren't leaving." Without responding, cupped her face in his hands and began kissing her again. It was partly passion, partly not wanting to give up their location and end what would hereafter be referred to as "the nap."

"OKAY, WE ARE OPENING THE DOOR!" Bernadette bellowed. "Howie can break in using his smartphone!"

Amy pulled back, eyes wide, "is that possible?"

"It's possible," Sheldon whispered, "I doubt Howard can do it." He glared doubtfully. "Which door are they trying?"

"AHA!" Penny screamed from next door.

"Lock the door!" Amy whispered.

"No, they'll hear that." Sheldon said. "Leonard must have helped there is no way Wolowitz could do that on his own."

"Where the hell is she?" Bernie asked, the pitter patter of her tiny feet seeming to echo through the wall.

"Dudes…" Raj slurred, "They have adjoining rooms…" before he finished the sentence, with ninja speed and stealth, the Shamy flew out of bed and hurled their bodies against the door to keep it forced shut. Sheldon slowly turned the lock and sure enough… it was the loudest sound either of them had ever heard.

"What was that? I heard something, " Howard asked, glee in his voice… "on that side of the door."

Sheldon motioned for Amy to go to the closet, he pantomimed her putting his robe on. She quickly complied then returned to add her 130 pounds to the blockage of the door. "This isn't fair," she whispered, "Those people are completely sexually incontinent and we aren't even allowed to make out…" Sheldon raised his eyebrows in warning, "we aren't allowed to even "take a nap,"" Amy rephrased, "Without the whole damn posse showing up!"

"Sheldon, Amy!" Howard called, "Open the door please… we know you are in there. Amy's clothes, including bra and panties are draped over the back of a chair in her vanity."

The jig was, of course, up. Amy moved to unlock the door, Sheldon grabbed her hand, mouthing the word, "NO!" She pantomimed that she had this one, and opened the door a crack, to see all of their friends, grinning like idiots in the middle of her hotel room, "What?' she asked coldly.

"Why didn't you answer the door?" Bernadette asked, little puffs of smoke still coming out her tiny ears.

"I wasn't in that room." Amy swallowed a smirk, hiding her body behind the door. She knew her hair was probably telling the story quite eloquently.

"Is Sheldon in there with you?" Leonard asked. Amy nodded slightly, "Then why didn't he answer his door?"

"I can't speak for him, but I would guess he didn't want to talk to the crazy people making an inappropriate scene outside his hotel room." Sheldon snorted quietly, "what do you want?"

Leonard seemed to martial all the maturity in the room, "Will you be joining us for dinner? Raj got a limo and reservations at a seafood place down the road."

Amy glanced over her shoulder and then back at Leonard, "Yes that will be satisfactory, what time we'll we leave?"

"In 45 minutes."

"Fantastic. Now get the hell out of my room before I call security."

"Amy!" Penny yelled, "What the hell happened?"

"None of your damn business!" Sheldon bellowed, pulling Amy back and slamming the door shut, Amy locked it with a flourish. "How long will it take you to get ready for dinner?"

"10 minutes, tops."

"So we can nap for about another half hour." He gathered his girlfriend into his arms and did his new favorite thing to do. He kissed Amy's lips.

On the other side of the closed door discussion began…

Raj, "Was she wearing his robe?

Penny, "That was sex hair…"

Bernadette, "Well's about damn time!"

Howard, "Come on guys, we are witnessing history! The mating of Sheldon!"

Leonard, "Shut up, all of you and get out of this room before she calls security. We can speculate while doing 45 minutes worth of tequila shots…

Sheldon and Amy were about 10 minutes late meeting their so-called friends in the lobby, due to the fact that Amy's make up now took 5 minutes longer and it took her 10 minutes to tame the sex hair… no, it took her 10 minutes to tame the "nap" hair. "Sorry we're late," She called.

6 drunken voices cried back, "Amy! Sheldon!" then Howard started singing, quite inexplicably, "Girl, you'll be a woman soon."

Sheldon whispered in her ear, "We don't have to do this."

Amy shook her head, "We can't back out. Left to their own devices, in this condition, they'll wind up in Tijuana by sunrise trying to barter Howard's belt buckle for over the counter Codeine."

Before Sheldon could respond, Raj grabbed Amy's hand and spun her around, "Don't mind these crazy drunkards, my fair Galatea."

"Good lord," Sheldon seized her other hand and spun her back into his own arms, "There's Padma, go compare her to a classical figure from mythology."

"Can't," Raj whispered, sadly, "we are just friends."

Sheldon frowned deeply, "Padma, he's a fun drunk, now come get him before I punch him in the neck." Turning to glare the group… "Are we ready or not?" Without waiting for an answer, he wrapped his arm around Amy and glided her out of the lobby.

**A/N: Just a little taste, dinner's going to get weird.**


	9. You wanted to know everything

**Usual disclaimers…**

**You wanted to know everything…**

The limo ride was a nightmare of vague innuendo, double entendre, and cute comments. Sheldon and Amy chose not to answer and attempted to redirect the questioning, but to little avail. Once they got to the restaurant, the girls dragged Amy to the ladies room and the boys dragged Sheldon to the bar area. And the gloves came off.

"Did you and Sheldon have sex?" Penny asked.

Amy shook her head, "This really isn't an appropriate time to discuss this. I know let's save it for girls' night…"

Bernadette smiled brightly, "Surprise! It is girls' night." Her eyes narrowed, "Now. Spill."

"That's what she said! BAM!" Padma punched the air as she came out of a stall. The other 3 women turned and looked at her with their mouths open, "What? And the rest of this conversation isn't a disgrace to this fine toilet area?"

"Thank you, Padma." Amy said, checking herself in the mirror, "This conversation is over."

Amy fled the ladies room, in world of pique. First they break into her hotel room, ruining a perfectly lovely "nap" that she had been waiting 2 years for, then they won't stop grilling her. It might be different if Amy had had a chance to process the information in her own mind. She had never felt this annoyed with Penny or Bernadette. She found Sheldon skulking in beverage station. "How was boy talk?"

"Crude." Sheldon took her arm and led her to a quiet part of the bar. "I have never been remotely interested in hearing about their myriad of disappointing sexual encounters, yet they feel they have the right to every minute detail of our," he lowered his eyes, shyly, "of our "nap.""

"The girls are the same way, although I have expressed some interest in their sexual encounters, I don't think I've ever made one of them flee the restroom." Amy sighed, "They want every minute detail."

Sheldon pulled Amy toward him by the silk scarf around her neck, "It would serve them right if we gave it to them."

She laughed, "ooh, in minute, graphic, clinical detail. That'd show them."

Sheldon's face glowed with inspiration, "Over dinner… Amy, such things are not considered appropriate dinner conversation, is that correct? Especially not in minute, graphic, clinical detail?" he stared deeply into her eyes when he said this.

"Hoo." Amy grinned, leaning up and kissing Sheldon's cheek, whispering in a sultry voice, "Oh, Dr. Cooper, I love it when you get technical." They discretely ducked inside the family restroom for a little snogging and plotting.

Once the group had settled around the table, Sheldon and Amy simply waited for the topic to come up again. Because both had been suitably offended and upset by the earlier lines of questioning, it took until the third bottle of wine had been finished and the entrees had been served before Howard said something. "You crazy kids sure must have worked up an appetite."

Sheldon's hand grazed Amy's leg under the table, operation "you can't talk about that at dinner!" was a go!

"It would seem that you all have questions about the time Amy and I spent together in my hotel room, this afternoon." Sheldon noted, "That is fair to say, correct?"

The table nodded, avidly and Raj called out, "You bet your ass!"

"In that case, as our friends, if you wish to understand the nature of our activities so badly, we have no choice but to share the whole of the experience with you. Sheldon, would you like to begin?

"Thank you, Amy." He rose to address the group, "This afternoon, I invited Amy to take a nap with me. This was a ruse, my true motivation, though I had scarcely admitted it to myself, was to engage her in a session of osculation and frottage... Leonard, Bernadette, would one of you take care of translating for Penny? She already looks confused." He turned to his girlfriend, "you knew what I was doing, correct, this isn't a shock?"

Amy shook her head, a model of professorial detachment, "On the contrary, I am glad to know I was correct about your motivations, please continue."

"Assuming the group has a full knowledge of basic human reproductive cues on an evolutionary, and a socio-economic level, as well as a full familiarity of the seven points of compatibility as posited on , we will attempt to break this down into its smallest essential parts for you edification. The atoms that make up the molecule of the Non-penetrativesexual activity that Amy and I enjoyed this afternoon." Sheldon paused, "Are there any questions before we proceed with our presentation?"

Leonard raised his hand, "Why are you doing this to us?"

"Excellent question, Dr. Hofstadter, very glad you asked." Sheldon smiled, creepily, "First y'all barged in, wait…no, first y'all broke into Amy's hotel room. Then y'all asked about what we were doin' and then y'all wouldn't shut up about it. You demanded "to know everything" so now y'all are goin' to listen to everythin', and if I hear any more guff, Amy can conjure up a highly disturbin' visual production of similar behavior in small primates on her iPad that'll prove that a picture is worth a thousand words." The twang was enough to keep asses in their seats, "Now, I will proceed…"

Amy almost swooned with delight as Sheldon went alpha dog on wolf pack that was their peer group. While she waited for her part of the presentation, the presence of sex hormones in bodily fluid…. Also she would use the hickey on her neck as a visual aid during the discussion of osculation vs mastication equaling pleasure induced hematoma... She thought about the "nap".

_After the kiss ended… the first kiss Sheldon had ever given her, he pulled back and gazed into her eyes as if searching for something. She beamed up at him, her face a picture happiness and contentment. He grinned back down, looking so relieved that it almost broke her heart. "More please," Amy whispered pulling his face to hers, closing her eyes, parting her lips and waiting patiently. Instead of kissing her lips, he tilted her chin up and nuzzled her neck, gently nipping and sucking when he arrived at a pulse point. His hands were still buried in her long tangled locks. Sheldon pinned her to the bed with his body and she marveled at how much bigger and stronger he seemed at this moment, it made her feel protected yet in his power. "Hoo." Hearing her sweet owl-like cry, Sheldon sank his teeth into Amy's neck and sucked gently on the flesh…_

Her reverie was broken by her sexy yet vampiric boyfriend, calling her name, "Dr. Fowler, you are up."

Smoothly, she rose to her feet, hoping her face wasn't too flushed by her naughty musings, "Thank you, Doctor Cooper." She turned to the group, "Doctors, Howard, Penny," she removed the silk scarf from her neck display an obvious medium sized round bruise at just below her jaw, "This is a hematoma that Dr. Cooper gave me during this afternoon's activities. Assuming that we all know how bruises, colloquially known as "hickeys" are formed, I would like to trace this behavior as related to the evolution of species. Our example will be the howler monkey…"

Sheldon sat back in his chair, staring affectionately at his girlfriend while tuning out what she was saying. Amy had kindly warned him that he might find the mating rituals of the howler monkey unappealing and therefore he was welcome to not listen what she was saying. Amy was amazing. She was so loving, so smart, so delicious and so kind when they were alone, then she could dominate their social group with the sheer power of her will and her grasp of primate sexual behavior… This really was a devilish idea, which he might have come up with on his own, but he never would have needed it. Sheldon felt like he might be getting better at judging cues from humans. Looking at his friends squirming in their seats, staring at their untouched entrees… one thought blazed across his brain. "Good. Next time they won't need to be told." The idea had twang. It disturbed Sheldon, slightly, how easily he slipped back into to his Texan accent when angry, it bothered the hell out of him that he lost all control of it… when napping. He felt his ears turn bright red just thinking about it.

"_Amy, darlin'" he groaned, taking her lips again. Darlin'? Where did that come from? He didn't dwell on it too much, losing himself in her sweet tasting kiss. So soft and wet and hot. She truly was his darlin'. He supposed calling her that was fine… Hopefully he wouldn't call her that in public. To hell with public, his inner Texan chided him, why would we ever want to get off this bed?_

_His Inner Texan (Sheldon refused to acknowledge the voice as his father's. His mother ruled the guilt center, apparently Daddy had set up shop in the limbic system.) had a lot of good ideas about activities that should be pursued while he had Amy pinned to the bed, flushing with pleasure, making adorable little owl noises… One that Sheldon particularly liked… he began kissing his way down from her lips, to her chin, over the tender flesh of her neck, moving downward until his lips felt the smooth silk of her night gown. He ran his hands over her breasts gently palming them, rubbing the nipples with his thumbs thinking, "Suck it, She-hulk! I know where second base is." Amy hooted in a breathless voice. "Amy, darlin'" his voice was so low it sounded feral.. "I want to move your nightie, a little…" With speed that spoke of great enthusiasm, she slipped the shoulder straps down her arms and shimmied the garment lower on her body, her bare breasts right in front of his face, his mouth… his hands._

"_Is that okay, baby?" Amy asked, her eyes wide. He smiled up at her, loving the endearment. If she didn't mind be called darlin' he had no issue with being her baby._

_Nodding, he buried his face between the soft mounds breathing in the clean scent of her skin. Unbidden came the voice of Howard Wolowitz describing the practice of "motor boating". Sheldon chose to refrain, instead concentrating on the feel of her skin against his face, the hitch in her breathing when he moved to her left breast and slowly sucked her nipple into his mouth. Gasping with pleasure, he felt her fingers pull at his hair, finding not much grab onto, she pulled him closer by his ears. He found himself rubbing his lower body against hers… hard and hot… rhythmically. The friction of the flannel surrounded on two sides by warm aroused flesh was indescribable and incredible, feeling slighting unbalanced, he bite down on her nipple, sucking harder on it, making her cry out his name in conjunction with a deity neither believed in…_

Wonderful, now in real time Sheldon also had an erection. Having no choice, he tuned in to what Amy was saying about mucus, hoping that would settle down his pants situation. Judging from the looks on his friends' faces, it certainly was calming things down in their pants… listening for a second, Sheldon had to concede that monkey sex maybe wasn't something he wished to be involved in.

"Dr. Cooper," Amy asked, smiling at him, "is there anything you'd like to add before we open the floor to questions and then begin our closing statements?"

"Yes, Dr. Fowler, I'd like to pose a question to the group. Are you all still curious about our non-penetrative sexual habits?" The group shook their heads, "Will you all be content to wait for us to come to you if we have something we wish to discuss with you?" They nodded in unison, "Dr. Fowler, I propose that you and I skip the closing statements and open Q&A session and take the limo back to the hotel. Do you agree?"

Amy gazed at the contrite faces, shell shocked faces, "I don't know. They really had this coming…"

Bernadette rose, "Point made! Go off with him… do that upside down grooming thing, just don't talk about it… have a fantastic evening!"

"Excellent idea, Bernadette. Everyone…" Amy smiled, "All is forgiven, but remember, we could have easily done a 2 hour presentation." She extended her hand to Sheldon and helped him to his feet. "Let's go!"


	10. Room Service

Usual disclaimers, Chuck, Bill, Warner's… blah.

**Room Service**

Following the exit of the Shamy, the group sat around the table in a mild state of shock.

Leonard took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Well, I'd have to say using her hickey as a visual aid was an original take on the subject matter."

"There is a moral here… Next time, when Sheldon and Amy say they don't want to talk about something… maybe we don't push it…" Raj said diplomatically.

Padma shook her head then sucked down some Chardonnay, "You all should not blame yourselves. There was no way anyone could have foreseen that… well, that they could pull that kind of presentation out of their asses on such short notice. I attended a series of Nobel Lectures in Stockholm last year with nowhere near that level of content. At this point, I am only surprised that hickey was the only visual aid."

"You aren't offended? You know by the monkey fornication and all the mucus?" Penny asked before trying to wash away the weird feelings with wine.

"How could I be offended? I have learned a lot tonight, about a lot things. Things that I never wanted to know… But it is knowledge… and knowledge is…" Padma stopped talking… "I am going to be honest, I blame you of all for this."

"Us?" Howard asked, "What about them? Only the Shamy could have brought you Mucus and Monkey Sex!"

"Fine. Let me clarify, here we have 2-30 year old virgins, one of whom up to five o'clock this afternoon, you thought was completely asexual… You all bust in on them, you ruin their naughty time and then spend the evening grilling them like they killed your cat. They killed your cat and you think that the only way you can bring your cat back to life is if you find out if they had oral sex…" Padma noted.

"Please," Howard scoffed, "we know they didn't have oral… We know Sheldon would never have oral… sex…" that last word was punctuated with a horrified face.

Bernadette raised her glass, "Well, until 5pm this afternoon we all knew Sheldon would never lure Amy to his hotel room for a session of passionate Osculation and Frottage. Times seem to be changing." Penny bit her lip, and looking deep in thought, "It means kissing and dry humping." Penny eyes widened in understanding, then her face scrunched, and she took a hit of wine right out of the bottle.

Leonard finally spoke, "We owe them an apology, guys. We should be really happy for them."

The group erupted.

Raj beamed, "Of course, I am happy for them… My Amy make over was magic!"

Penny gasped, "I was looking out for Amy, she's got to be freaking out! Also I am nosy drunk, you all know that… Whatever!"

Bernadette admitted, "I sort of yelled at Sheldon earlier, he may have thought he had to put out or else… I just never thought he'd follow instructions that well." She looked around sheepishly, and seized the bottle from Penny and drank.

Howard shook his head, wresting the bottle from Bernadette, "Quit over thinking this. These are not defenseless flowers. They are Shamy! These are 2 of the bluntest people that ever walked the earth." He pours Bernadette's wine in her glass. "These are the kind of people that have a lecture on Monkey sex just sitting on their iPad like so much cute kitten video. Were we asking for it? Yes, we were. Did they give it to us? Oh, hell yeah, they did." He folded his arms over his narrow chest, "Also, how much did they love doing that presentation? They were positively glowing," Howard winked lewdly.

"Can we get another couple bottles of wine over here?" Penny yelled, "Yo, Garcon!"

Meanwhile in the limo…

"Not here." Sheldon refused.

"Why?" Amy countered with head tilt that indicated she wasn't just going to let this go.

"It is the back of a limo."

"Yeah, I know. I knew that is what you meant when you said "here". What's wrong with the back of a limo?" Amy asked.

"Do you know how many people have been in the back of this thing? Prom nights, weddings, old lady bingo night… actors? This is a stone soup of bodily secretions."

Amy wisely refrained from mentioning the disgraceful condition of most hotel room beds and bed linens as she was hoping to lure Sheldon into one within the next hour. "You had a vertical nap with me a family restroom. Where sticky children have touched every surface. How is a limo worse?"

"I plotted with you in a family restroom. The kissing, while pleasurable, was ancillary." His eyes gleamed, "the plotting bore fruit…"

Beaming, Amy said, "Yeah, it did. And I was finally to disseminate my extensive knowledge of the sexual habits of howler monkeys… yay! I've had that on my hard drive since grad school."

While she had been speaking, Sheldon appreciated the view. The silk dress she wore was happy green color that made her eyes appear to change color depending on the light. Her hair, left its own devices fell into her eyes when she moved her head. He reached over and smoothed it back with his hand. Smiling, Amy took his hand and brought it to her lips. "I am really happy today." She whispered.

He averted his eyes and asked, "Why?"

"You." Amy cupped his face in her hands and gave him a sweet chaste kiss. "Sorry, I know I shouldn't kiss you in this "stone soup of body secretions.""

With a couple quick adjustments, Sheldon shifted Amy into his lap. "Well, we are the 2 cleanest things that have ever been in the back of this thing…" he slowly kissed her lips, "We'll just sanitize like nuts when we get to the hotel."

"Hmmm," she purred, "Promise?"

Missy Cooper was beat. She had just finished a 12 hour shift at the hospital and now all she wanted to do was have a couple of beers and watch Downton Abbey season 3 on her laptop. Episodes that her sweet Shelly had downloaded from the sketchy European sites. He'd been doing it for his girlfriend and thought Missy might enjoy them too. So he'd hacked her computer system and left them right there on her desk top.

"Ha! Shelly has a girlfriend!" Missy sang, tauntingly to herself as she opened a bottle of Shiner Bock. From everything she had gleaned from her mother and Penny, this girl, Amy, was a godsend. Not only did she adore Shelly, she also apparently could keep him in line. Missy had adored him for over 30 years and she could only make him mind by implying that not only could she still kick his ass, and that it was something she was interested in doing.

While the video was loading, she opened her email. There was an emergency text from Penny's phone to Missy's email address. "**I THINK SHELDON HAD SEX!"**

Missy's eyes went wide. She sat with her fingers frozen an inch above the keyboard. Without blinking she bolted across the room to get her phone from her purse. Sure enough there were texts from Penny. Texts with mysterious titles like "**SEX HAIR!**" "**WE CHECKED… ALL THE UNDERWEAR IS ACCOUNTED FOR!" **The last one read…

"**Sorry. Miss. I guess it was just some smooching and a little rubbing of naughty bits. CHEERS!" **Missy sat on her desk and drained her beer. She still hadn't blinked.

Sheldon and Amy had skipped the scientific revels by the pool and went straight to his room. Amy had noticed that Sheldon wasn't too demonstrative in public, but once a door closed… Sheldon wrapped his arms around her waist and pushed her gently against the door to the bathroom, whispering, "we need to sanitize. Limo germs."

"Wait." Amy said as he moved to kiss her. "Let's order room service first."

"You want food? Now?" The twang indicated Sheldon was either highly displeased or extremely excited about the suggestion.

"Did you have lunch?" Amy asked.

"No."

"Was your breakfast disgusting?"

"You know it was." Sheldon realized his stomach might be empty. "What makes you think that room service will be any better?" He brushed the hair out of her eyes, his hand lingering on the back of her head.

"Because you are going to order it." She smiled up at him, letting her fingers trail over the classic batman logo emblazoned on the chest of his upper tee shirt.

"Are you stalling?" Sheldon asked.

"Yes." Amy nodded.

"Why?"

"Because if I don't urinate this second, I am going to die. That isn't how I want to go." She bounced slightly, he stepped back and she bolted to her room. Pausing at the door, "Order food, then shower, than meet me on your bed in 30 minutes." Amy commanded.

Once her bladder had been voided, Amy finally had a few seconds of "not blissed out" clarity so she could think. She turned on her shower and began to disrobe, carefully hanging up her pretty green dress and laying her pretty bra and panty set out to be hand washed with her pretty lace top stockings. She frowned, when did she start having pretty things?

Oh yeah, crazy, drunk, selectively mute, Indian Richie Rich bought her a big pile of clothes. She opened her suit case and saw tonight's nightie. "Oh you little cupid of the sub-continent!" That was it. Amy was curing Raj's mutism… first thing Monday morning. It was a done deal.

Meanwhile, Sheldon was maintaining. As long as he had Amy within arm's length, everything felt good. Manageable. Tandem shower time sounded like something he could pull off. He was starting to feel a little panicky. He wondered if he should tell Amy about the condoms in the emergency kit… How would she react?

As he showered the voices in his head were having a bit of a tiff.

His logical side spoke._ Tell her about the condoms she'll understand, she might even praise you for your preparedness. _

His Inner Texan piped up from the wood shop of his limbic lust, _"Hell no! You can't tell her that! She is the only person in the world that hasn't noticed that you are a crazy as a chicken! If you tell her what the condoms are for… you will never get to use them for the purpose for which they were manufactured…"_

Then Mom spoke from the plain white church house of his disbelief, _"Shelly, condoms are a sin… even after the rapture… Yes the rapture is to coming! Are you ready?"_

Frowning, he ignored them and thought about meeting Amy in his bed in 18 minutes… He finished his shower, dried off methodically, and put on his Saturday night pajamas. He checked the clock. 14 minutes. 24 minutes until the food was scheduled to arrive…

His phone blared loudly, "Little Miss Can't be Wrong". He frowned, "why is Missy calling." He pressed accept, "Missy, what's wrong? This isn't our bi-weekly telephone time! Is it Mom? Is it MeeMaw? Did George's second wife find out about his soon to be third wife?"

He heard Missy suck in a lungful of air, "Are you having sex, Shelly?"

Pause.

"Not at the moment?" Sheldon winced, that answer probably wasn't going to help him much. "Who did you talk to?"

"I didn't talk to anyone!" Missy declared. She was drunk.

"Missy, we established that you and I have no magic psychic bond despite the 35 weeks we spent alone in the same womb. Somebody told you somethin'" he hissed.

"Somethin'? Sounded might Texan there, Shelly. If you must know, Penny texted me. And I am not judging, I am really happy, it is just… when the hell did this happen? How?" Missy asked.

"It happened this afternoon and if I can get my nosy twin sister off the phone it will happen again in 4 minutes!"

"Oh Lord! Don't let me keep you! Go do what needs to be done. I am flying to LA on Friday. Tell Amy I am staying with her. Do your thing Shelly Bean!" Sheldon hung up without saying good bye.

Well, on the bright side, he might be able to have dinner now that the perma-erection was gone. He looked around the room, his eyes stopping on the hastily made bed. He wasn't sure he was hungry, but he knew one thing, he wanted more… napping.

Amy knocked on the door between their rooms. 2 minutes early. She was lucky he could forgive her anything. He opened the door. Amy stood before him in a gauzy white night gown. It was longer than the pink, but sheer and it floated around her body like a cloud. Growling, Sheldon buried his hands in her hair and pulled her hard against him, groaning as she slipped her arms around his waist. They began to kiss.

She loved the way his hands flexed, caressing and pulling her hair at the same time. She felt too many things at the same time, his hands, his mouth, his body pressed against her. Pulling from the kiss slightly, she whispered "Bed… Now!"

Sheldon obliged her, turning so that he landed on the bed on his back, cushioning her fall. Giggling, she sat up straddling his legs. "Thank you for the landing pad, Dr. Cooper. How long before the food gets here?" He didn't answer her, he ran his hands over the soft skin of her bare thighs, enjoying the deep blush that came over her face. She gasped as he moved his hands higher up her legs.

Apparently the no hands below the waist rule was no longer in effect.

Good to know.

Amy moved forward, sliding up his flannel clad body so that she could get to his mouth. Before she kissed him, she paused to gaze into his eyes, "I feel like I am going to wake up. I don't want to." She stroked his face. She wanted to say it. She felt it, she should say it…

Knock Knock "Room service."

"Good Lord" Sheldon hissed, sitting up, bringing Amy with him. He looked at her and growled, "Go wait in your room, darlin'. No one gets to see you like this but me." He smiled and kissed her deeply, then he pushed her to her feet. "Go."

Amy grinned then stuck her tongue out at him as she retreated, "Don't act up, girl, you wanted food." Once she closed the door, she started breathing heavily… more heavily. Without having it said, she knew the sweet little rules that protected them from themselves earlier in the day, were no longer in effect. She grabbed a 10 dollar bottle of water from the Mini bar and drank it quickly.

She had a little secret, she hadn't told him. One that would put his mind at ease if nighttime napping meant what she though it did… Please… God she wanted to be right for once.

There was the triple knock, her name, repeat, repeat. "Coast is clear." She opened the door and followed him in.

"So what are we having?" She smiled sitting down at the table that had been set by the window. "Please tell me, it is nothing fancy. I haven't had normal food since two nights ago." She lifted the lid over the plate and pumped the air, "Yes! Pizza. Normal Pizza!"

Sheldon smiled at her enthusiasm, "It is Saturday." He poured them each a glass of water.

"Missing Laundry night and TiVo clean up?" She asked.

Pushing her hair out of her face, he smiled, "Not as much as I thought." Leaning her face into his hand, they gazed at each other for a few seconds, "You are still watching Battle Star Galatica next weekend." Amy laughed, throwing her napkin on the table, she straddled his lap. Kissing his mouth slowly, cupping his face in her hands. "You know what taste good luke warm?" Sheldon whispered when she came up for air, "Pizza."

**A/N: Okay, smut hounds, the next chapter will be mostly smut. And the reason Sheldon keeps condoms in his emergency kit will be revealed. His Inner Texan may have had a point…**


	11. ZOMBIES ARE NOT A THING

Usual disclaimers… Chuck, Bill…Warners… smooch.

_A/N: Smut Hounds, you wanted it and here it is… SMUT!_

**ZOMBIES ARE NOT A THING**

The pizza lay forgotten on the plates, the no removing of jammies clause from the afternoon "nap" had been abandoned in favor of a 50% rule. Since Amy's legs were bare, Sheldon's torso should be as well. And it was working. For now.

Sheldon sat with his back against the padded headboard with Amy straddling his lap. Whatever insecurity had troubled him about kissing earlier that was a thing of the past. During the 48 distinct open mouthed kisses that had occurred between him and Amy, Sheldon had discovered that he did indeed excel at everything.

Amy fretted about one thing, they were swiftly coming to the point of full disclosure, but she didn't let that stop her from enjoying her lean tall Texan. The news she had to share with him wasn't bad, after all.

It just wasn't sexy.

She moaned as he began to move down her body kissing, biting. That was the beauty of them both being virgins and having waited so long to be together, for all they knew they were doing this all wrong… but it felt so good. Also, since sexual intercourse hadn't officially been put on the table… both were working independently to close this deal.

"Time." Sheldon groaned, gripping her shoulders so he could push her away, but keep her and the wonderful heat of her body on his lap. Her face was flushed, her green eyes darkened to jade, her lips blood red and swollen from the now 49 distinct open mouthed kisses. He'd been very careful not to add to her hickey collection. "we have to discuss…" he faltered, "the next part.

"I know." She sighed, trying to control her breathing.

"I want you to sleep with me." He stated, "all night." His fingers slide under the gauzy neckline of her nightie. "but we have to behave…"

"Carefully? Responsibly?" He nodded, "About birth control…" as Amy spoke the words "I am on the pill" Sheldon blurted out "I have condoms."

"Oh." They said in unison. They regarded each other with puzzled expressions.

"Why are you on the pill?" Sheldon asked. Amy grimaced and slid out of his lap. She covered her face with the pillow and spoke in a very muffled voice. After two sentences, he pulled the pillow from her face and threw it to the side, "Why? It's okay. Just tell me."

"You know how women's period's sync up?" Amy asked, "well, me, Penny and Bernadette apparently I am pack leader."

"As it should be. But I don't follow…"

Amy looked at him for a second before diving under the covers, "don't look at me and I'll tell you."

"WHAT? WHY? JUST TELL ME!" Sheldon shouted at the female now shrouded in duvet and useless coverlet.

"They both got my period." She sat up and hissed. "And I know… that isn't possible! I know that! But it seemed to happen. Their flows got heavier… it all lasted longer… they decided if they had to have my periods…. They wanted them to be less crampy, to be less bloody and to not happen every 20 days. So I went on the pill."

"Did it help?" Sheldon asked.

Amy nodded, "A lot. So much! I wish I'd done this years ago."

"That's good," Sheldon said, petting her hair.

"It is. Y My cycle is running like a swiss clock." Amy said, still looking miserable and embarrassed. "Why do you have condoms?"

Sheldon made a face, "They are in my emergency kit."

"For what purpose?" Amy asked.

"You'll be mad."

"I won't."

"Zombie apocalypse."

Amy smacked him in the face with a pillow.

Amy Farrah Fowler was a tolerant woman and slowly she was learning to just let people be wrong, science fiction for the boys… great; Twilight for Penny… whatever; 50 Shades of Gray for Raj and Bernadette… Why not? But there was one thing Amy knew and she just couldn't let go of, even for Sheldon.

ZOMBIES ARE NOT A THING!

She'd been working on and with dead bodies since she was 17 years old. She'd had animated corpse dreams for 3 months. What got her through was this… dead is dead.

"_Oh, but Amy," they'd say, "Not all Zombies are dead…."_

_OH MY GOD! THEN THEY ARE NOT ZOMBIES!_

"_What about the rash of face eaters?" they'd ask._

_NOT ZOMBIES!_

"_So you are saying there is no possible way to reanimate a corpse?" _

_YES, MORONS, THAT IS WHAT I AM SAYING! _

"_What about a super virus, that the destroys the brain…"_

_DEAD… YOU'D BE DEAD!_

Sheldon had actually been smacked in the face with a pillow for prior Zombie conversations. So her reaction wasn't shocking. "Okay, it isn't for the Zombie Apocalypse… it is for a general Apocalypse." She gave him a look, "In the nightmarish hellscape of our dystopian future… Condoms will be a valuable commodity. For barter, for their water proof properties, they are some of the strongest rubber you can find, they can be used as tunicates and they are perfect for sending messages."

Amy had been following his line of the thought right until then, "What?"

"Say we are on a trek cross country to try to find canned goods…" Sheldon said, excitedly.

"K."

"And Leonard and Penny are following us on motor bike."

"K."

"We'll need to leave them messages and clues about our whereabouts and destination. Nobody is going to pick up a seemingly used condom."

"Can't argue with that." Amy said trying to see the thread of logic.

"But our companions know that is how we leave messages…" Sheldon was beaming.

"So your plan for the dystopian future includes having Leonard picking up every used condom he finds?" Amy asked.

"Of course not," Sheldon chided, "Just the glow in the dark ones!"

A lone giggle escaped Amy's lips, then a choke, then she lay down on the bed and just started laughing, that laugh of the damned that cannot be contained. She threw her hands in the air, "You win!"

"I know." Sheldon said smugly, watching as Amy laughed so hard she had to roll on her side, hugging her tummy. This went on for a couple minutes, when she settled down, he gave her a bottle of water, "Got that out of your system?" She nodded, biting her lips to keep from grinning, then she took a sip of water. He looked at her doubtfully. "Zombies." She spit the water across the room and then she laughed for another 2 minutes.

Finally, she stopped, "Okay, I am cool… it is fine…" she was breathless, "What were we talking about?"

"Intercourse." Sheldon replied. To his relief this didn't' set her off to giggle-town.

"What did we decide?" Amy asked.

Sheldon frowned, "Well, we have the birth control covered." He reached, "can we get the pre-menstruation/zombie mood back?"

In response, Amy reached out and ran her fingers up his bare arm, "you have nice muscles." She said, looking into his eyes.

"Not much." Sheldon responded moving closer to her.

"I like yours," She shifted into his lap, "Lean."

He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair and inhaling her scent, "So getting back in the mood is pretty easy," he chuckled. He flipped them over so he was lying on top of her, staring down into her dark green eyes. "Do you want to?"

Trembling, Amy nodded. "I want to."

He chuckled mirthless, "Any idea how to proceed?"

Amy thought for a second, "I think we have to get naked. Then we come back to this position and see what fits where."

Sheldon pulled the duvet over their heads and rolled off of her. Nightie, pajama pants and underwear came flying out on both sides from underneath the covers. With some breathless giggling, they returned to position.

"Okay," Amy panted, "Ideas on how we proceed?"

"Shhhh…" Sheldon whispered, he lay down on her, pinning her to the bed, as he had earlier, the difference being.. flesh. Heat without flannel protection, and her skin was so much softer than he'd known. And with his hard cock wedged between them and enjoying its first contact with the woman who'd been causing it so much trouble for the previous 2 years, he was pretty sure he was going to die before he got anywhere near his destination. She was trembling, and panting beneath him, as scared as he was, he had to be strong for her. He was going to have to hurt her and yet, he couldn't freak out. For the first time in his life he put down an impending panic attack, and focused on what little he knew to do. "Amy, I am going to touch you," he said, softly. Sliding his hand between her thighs, seeking and exploring. He took his cues from her breathless cries, mewls meant not bad, hoots meant real good; growls and hisses meant bingo.

In Amy's opinion, the whole thing was bingo, the kissing, the stroking, the moans of pleasure, the mysterious, hardness against her tummy. Slowly she reached between them, and ran her fingers over her new friend. It was like a rod of steel covered with warm silk. He is hissed at her touch, pulling her hand away and pinning it over her head, "Amy, darlin' that's too good… not now, okay… I need… I need you to be ready, that's what I need."

"I am, please, I've been ready for a year and a half…" She moaned, shifting her body so what she wanted slipped between her legs. "Please…" she begged, her eyes wide and dark. He nodded, and guided himself to where instinct told him he needed to go and started to sink into her. When he felt the barrier of her virginity, he kissed her passionately, distracting her, then he thrust forward, breaking through. She whimpered into his mouth.

"It's okay, darlin', tell me when it is okay."

Amy pulled him down for another kiss, she just needed a second to be ready. "One second," she whispered, breathing trying to relax her tightness. It was tight and it hurt, but it also felt good. She could feel the tension in his arms as he held back, kissing her fiercely to distract himself. "Baby, how does it feel?"

He gasped, "tight. Warm. So wet." He looked down at her, eyes almost black with desire, "I need to move, please, darlin', say you are okay, now."

"yes. Move." She whispered.

He began to move slowly within her, resisting the powerful urge to hammer himself into her and find release. He wanted her to like this, to love this. To love him. He focused on her, she was making the delicious little owl noises, telling him he was on the right track. Her legs were wrapped around his waist and her hands massaged the back of his head and neck, sending little of jolts of pleasure down his spine. Sheldon hissed, he began to go faster, he couldn't stop himself. Then he heard music to his ears, Amy growled, in delight and thrust her hips forward, crying out, "yes!" He would have loved to have stopped to watch, but his control melted away and he buried himself deeper and groaned, "I love you so much…" As he released.

He barely heard himself say it, but he heard her response, "Oh, God, I love you too, baby…"

Still gasping for air, they stared into each other's eyes for a moment before they smiled and whispered at the same time "you excel at everything…"


	12. Charming the Twin

Usual disclaimers… much love to Chuck, Bill and Warners

**Charming the Twin**

It had been a full 5 days since the Shamy had merrily surrendered their virginities to the whims of their limbic systems and as far as the gang could see, not that much had changed. There was very little in the way of nauseating public displays of affection, but there was a lot of stepping into the next room for 10-15 minutes whenever Amy would show up at the apartment for dinner. Also various emergencies, requiring discussion in Sheldon's bedroom would pop up over the course of the evening. The only one who really knew what was going on was Leonard and he was happily surprised at how well everything was going.

The two nights Amy had spent at the apartment had shown her to be an excellent apartment guest, she obeyed all bathroom schedules, wore a robe at all times, either made breakfast or assisted in clean-up. She also made Leonard and Penny's coffee and was just 100% sweet and delightful in the mornings. Also the noise cancelling headphones hadn't come into play because the Shamy weren't screamers… Arousing animal noises, soft giggling and the sound of someone possibly playing an energetic, hour long game of racquetball were all that could be heard in the night. The one night Sheldon had spent with Amy, she had driven him to work. So the Shamy doing it was working out great for Leonard. And on all of the mornings in question, Sheldon had been extremely cheerful, adaptive… nice. Still patronizing and insulting, but pleasant about it.

Granted it wore off by 3pm, earlier if Amy wasn't available to talk to him at lunch. But during the blissed out morning hours, Sheldon was working to maximum capacity.

But on the two mornings without a sleep over, Sheldon was grouchy as hell, until he spoke to Amy, then he settled down and went back to work.

Penny and Bernadette had gotten almost no details out of Amy (the Shamy seemed to get off on being Mega-discreet.) The boys had gotten absolutely nothing out of Sheldon. The threat of the 2 hour presentation kept them from pressing too hard. The only way theytruly knew that coitus had been initiated was the first time Amy had been discovered by Leonard wandering the apartment at 5am, in Sheldon's robe, with sex hair, looking for juice.

But that was all getting ready to change. Missy was coming to town. The gang doubted she could get anything out of Amy, but they knew she could get Sheldon to talk.

Sheldon had taken a bus on his own to pick her up at the airport as he had been ordered to do. He frowned, if she was going to make demands like Mom and MeeMaw, she better learn to bake something besides pot brownies.

"Shelly!" Missy waved, emerging from the escalator pulling her carry-on behind her. She ran up to him, faked going in for a hug, when he dodged her, she kissed him sloppily on the forehead. Frowning, he grabbed her sleeve and wiped the lipstick off his brow. "God, I should have been a quarter back, not George. Nobody can fake it like me."

"That is a shame." Sheldon smirked. Missy's eyes went wide… had Sheldon just understood a double entendre? To the point where he was able to reply in an appropriately inappropriate manner? Wow! "This can't be all your luggage." He asked.

"It is everything I brought with me. I am going shopping with your girl." Missy grinned. "When do I get to meet her?"

"You could be meeting Amy right now, if you hadn't insisted I pick you up alone." He groused, "but you'll met her tonight at dinner."

"No discussion, Shelly, I am renting a car. There is nothing worse than waiting to have someone drive you somewhere…" Missy said, herding Sheldon to the rental car desk.

"I don't find that to be the case."

"That is because you are a special little snowflake, Shelly Bean." They went to the back of the queue. Missy smiled for a moment, "So… y'all having sex or what?"

For one second, Sheldon considered whipping out his smart phone and making Missy watch the Howler Monkey foreplay video that Amy had sweetly downloaded for him in case anybody got nosy. Instead, "Yes. We are."

Missy squealed and threw her arms around her twin. "I am going to bake that girl something besides pot brownies for this!"

"Please don't grill her." Sheldon hugged back for a second before pushing her back, "And don't embarrass me."

"Did she find my demanding to stay at her apartment presumptuous?" Missy asked, frowning a little.

"Yes, but that is one of her top 10 favorite personality traits. She also likes vain people and drunkards, she's gonna love you, Miss." Sheldon said seriously.

"Is there any point in pressing you for details of the liaison?" Missy punched his shoulder lightly.

"Not unless you want to watch the howler monkey foreplay video…" Sheldon held up his phone and gave her the creepy smile.

"No thanks, Penny told me about you and Amy's little "mind your own beeswax" presentation at dinner… By the way, well played on that, sir, well played."

"I appreciate that. And FYI, the title of the presentation was operation "you can't talk about that at dinner.""

Across town Amy was cleaning the hell out of her apartment preparing for Missy's arrival.

Since she and Sheldon had worked out the coitus clauses (frequency, location, menstruation exceptions, minimum acceptable sheet thread count, snacks to be provided by the host, assigned toilet schedule et al.) of the relationship agreement, she hadn't spent that much time at home. Now she was going to have Sheldon's twin as her house guest. It was a little panic inducing.

That was probably a good thing. A little panic will normalize her systems at this point she was running on 3 hours of sleep a night and pure bliss, because while coital Sheldon was working out amazing, post coital Sheldon was not as awesome. He was a bed hog and a blanket thief. It turned out that after sex, Sheldon abandoned the tightly contained Sleeping Beauty sleep pose in favor of what Amy had christened the Sated Starfish. It started with them falling asleep in each other's arms and then him slowly moving her to the far reaches of the mattress, then flopping on his back in the center of the bed, arms out stretched and legs spread wide, pulling all the blankets off her. But just when she'd want to smother him with a pillow, he'd wake up and scold her for not covering up as she slept. And then he'd pull her back into his arms and passionately warm her up. And repeat. For Amy, it was wildly romantic and sexy, as well as being annoying as hell, and it was all theirs.

The gang had learned their lesson, it seemed. But she knew that they were very happy for them. Especially Leonard. He hadn't even teased her when he found during her post-coital quest for vitamin C and fluids. Penny, Bernadette and Padma had insisted that Saturday night was going to be slumber party night. Bernadette especially wanted to see what the effect of sharing womb space with Sheldon would do to a normal person. But Amy had fought for the right to cook dinner for Sheldon and Missy at her apartment, just the 3 of them.

Amy had spent an hour on the phone with a highly amused Mrs. Cooper trying to figure out how to make Missy's favorite meal from her childhood (Sheldon's 3rd favorite meal, as luck would have it). And had strawberry quik and Chablis for beverages. She wanted this to go well. She'd gotten off to a bit of a bumpy start with Mrs. Cooper (and Sheldon had gotten off to a very bumpy start with her mom) but now that things were progressing so nicely, Amy really wanted Sheldon's family to like her. Because her five year plan was now 3 1/2 years ahead of schedule…

Underneath the hyper activity, Amy was disappointed to not be able to sleep with Sheldon this weekend regardless of his poor skills at bed sharing. She loved how they still described sex in terms of napping, talking and sleeping. It was lent a weird innocence to their increasingly passionate and competent sexual activities. Sheldon, in particular, had been figuring things out rapidly.

Her reverie was broken by the usual knocking sequence, Amy pulled the door open with a wide smile, "Come in." she greeted the twins, taking in Missy's appearance. Thanks to heels and big hair, she was as tall as Sheldon, her eyes were just as blue and her skin was WAY more tan.

"Give me a hug, honey!" Missy wrapped her arms around the smaller woman. Then smiled approvingly at her appearance, she was wearing the second silk dress in Raj wardrobe. It was a warm olive color and made her skin glow. "What smells so good?" Missy's eyes widened, her tiny nose sniffing the air. "You didn't!"

Amy smiled bashfully, "I did. It is chili tater tot, Velveeta casserole." Sheldon and Missy both gasped in delight.

_A/N: I couldn't decide where to start this chapter… Next… Missy and Amy getting to know each other, and Sheldon calling in a Penny favor. And smut._


	13. The secret ingredient

The usual, I own nothing… 

_A/N: here comes the smut…._

**The Secret Ingredient is Love and Cheese Whiz**

Amy's little intimate dinner party was a big success. Sheldon and Missy, or as Amy had internally designated them, the Shissy, wolfed down the chili tater tot Velveeta casserole like it actually had some nutritional value that wasn't negated by fake cheese. She was uncertain of the components of Velveeta, but she knew that the secret ingredient, excluding love, was Cheese Whiz. And brother, Amy was pretty sure that wasn't too closely related to cheese.

"Amy, honey that was amazing! Oh my lord! I haven't had that since Mom stopped trying to kill Daddy with it!" Missy smiled, clinking her wine glass with Sheldon's strawberry Quik glass.

"Well, I hope you are ready for dessert?" Amy said, smiling saucily.

"You didn't!" Missy's eyes grew wide.

"She probably did!" Sheldon joined his twin in bouncy anticipation.

"That's right. Chocolate Chip Cookie sandwiches with Choco-Chocolate Chip Ice cream centers…" Amy pulled the dish out of the freezer with a flourish, then held the dish away from them, "you can have them, if you can tell me how you ate like this as children and you don't both weigh 300 pounds."

"Genetics!" they chanted.

Amy put the plates in front of them, "fair enough. Missy, do you want some coffee with your dessert?"

"Only if it has whiskey in it." Missy laughed as she took a bite of her ice cream sandwich, raised her eyes to heaven in thanks.

"You'll have to make due with Kahlua." Amy went back in the kitchen to make the coffee.

Missy grabbed Sheldon's hand, digging her fingers into his lily white flesh, hissing, "Marry that girl right now and let me come live with you!"

Sheldon side whispered, "Working on it and not a chance in hell."

Three minutes later Amy came back with three steaming cups topped with whipped cream, setting Sheldon's down, "Virgin Hot Chocolate for Sheldon and slutty choco-coffees for the ladies." Missy happily raised the roof for her Kahlua coffee.

Sheldon turned out the chatter and enjoyed the fact that not only had Amy made the ice cream sandwiches, but that she and Missy were getting along so well. He knew they would, Missy was a cross between him, Penny and his mother, and Amy was perfect. But they laughed and chatted like they'd known each other for years. He didn't even mind that 20-45% of the conversation was devoted to teasing him. Missy and Amy were allowed.

Amy looked very pretty, even though her hair was in her face and must be driving her nuts. He had to resist the urge to push it back. Unfortunately that arousing act usually led to them racing to his bedroom to have an important discussion about science while the gang ate dinner. He was pretty sure even Howard knew what they were really doing. Sheldon felt his eyes follow the neckline of her dress to its lowest point, extremely disappointed there was no cleavage. It didn't matter, he knew it was there. He knew her body now, every curve, every freckle… every spot that when kissed or bitten made her hiss like a cat… and with that thought Sheldon began to have a pants situation.

Clearly, Missy had to go. She had to go NOW!

Sheldon excused himself from the table, and shielding his crotch from view with clever body positioning, he fled to the bath room. Fishing out his phone he dialed the one person who could get Missy the hell out of Amy's apartment for the night.

"Whasssup?" Penny slurred.

"I need you to come and pick up Missy." Sheldon said bluntly.

"Wait, isn't it going okay with her and Amy?" Penny sounded drunkenly concerned.

"Of course it is. I just think that Missy would like to go out with you right now. Because you are friends…" Sheldon finished, "And it would be nice if you could hang out."

"We are having a slumber party, plus we are having lunch and going shopping. I'll see her all day tomorrow…" Penny said. Sheldon wasn't sure if she was messing with him or too slow to catch his meaning. "Unless there is another reason you want your sister to leave your girlfriend's apartment… A sexy reason…"

Well, at least she understood his meaning, "Come pick her up and take her out."

"How long do you need, Romeo?"

"All night would be good." Sheldon admitted, "I want to spend some time with Amy."

"Fine. You know I'd do anything for Amy." Penny said, "But since it is you asking, I am going to need $100 bucks and cab fare, because I am way too toasted to drive."

"just call Missy and then get over here!" Sheldon said hanging up the phone. Well, dealing with Penny certainly quieted down the pants situation.

He heard Missy's phone ring, "Uno, dos, tres… catorce!" Ah Bono, way to teach the children to count to four in Spanish… wrong. Sheldon emerged from the bathroom, to hear Missy say, "Girl, I can't go out! I need to spend some quality time with my brother and his girl and her mad cooking skills." Missy paused, turned to stare at her twin, "Really, now? Is that a fact?" She narrowed her ice blue eyes and grinned, "sure, Sweet P, you come right on over." She turned back to Amy, "That was Penny, she wanted to know if I wanted to go out drinking with her." Seeing the barely suppressed sentiment 'Get out of my apartment so I can get on your brother!" race across Amy's face, she almost laughed, "You don't mind, do you sugar?"

"Not at all, Missy. You and Penny are old friends, you should go out and catch up," she smiled and gathered up the dishes from the table. She paused at the sink and shot Sheldon a look he easily identified as "Get ready to get your pants off, baby!"

Missy stepped closer to her brother and whispered, "100 bucks per, bubba."

"What?"

"One for me and one for Penny." Missy beamed, "And cab fare, this could get pricy for you, Shelly Bean."

Sheldon pulled out his wallet and fished out 3 hundred dollar bills and handed the cash to Missy, who asked, "Do I want to know why you have so much walking around money?"

He looked over his shoulder to make sure Amy wasn't listening, and whispered, "Zombie apocalypse."

Penny showed up within the hour and Sheldon forcefully shooed them out the door, "have fun, feel free to stay with Penny tonight, Sis." Missy turned around and gave him a knowing laugh and a leering wink/salute. Sheldon shut the door right in her face. He swiftly locked every damn lock available, before turning to Amy, who stood by the sofa looking yummy as hell. He growled, "Run." She raised an eye brow, grinned, kicked off her shoes and raced to the bedroom with him right behind her. He grabbed her around her waist and they tumbled on the bed together. Once they landed and kissed for a few minutes, he pushed her hair back from her face, "you just wear it like this to drive me crazy."

Amy pulled his shirts out of his pants, purring, "You aren't crazy, baby, your mother had you tested."

In the taxi, Penny and Missy grilled each other.

"It's been since Saturday, Sweet P and you really don't have any more to tell me than that?" Missy leaned back and rolled her eyes.

"Not my fault. Every time you ask them anything they threaten you with their smart phones and that damn monkey video!" Penny defended herself.

"Still, I can't help but be a little disappointed…" When Missy was condescending, Penny could really see the Sheldon in her. "Happily, I have done a little better."

"Really?" Penny invaded Missy's space eagerly.

"They are having sex. Sheldon admitted it."

"Whatever, we've known that since Leonard found her wandering the apartment looking for juice and cookies." Penny scoffed.

"Well, I did make a comment after Amy made us the most amazing, delicious and insane meal, I've eaten since I faked being a vegetarian at age 16 to annoy my parents. I told him that he should marry her and let me come live with them. Shelly's response was, and I quote, "Working on it and not a chance in Hell.""

"Seriously?" Penny asked, looking shocked, "That is 3 ½ years ahead of her 5 year schedule. I am not sure she is ready. By the way, she wants a real human skeleton as a wedding gift and we are all going to have to chip in because they are really spendy."

Missy chuckled, "Wow. How are they going to word that request on the invitations?"

Amy and Sheldon were enjoying the fastest, hardest sex of their brief sexual careers. Penny and Missy were devious and they could be back at any second to surprise them. So the usual endless passionate love making they usually engaged in had been replaced with a sweaty race to orgasm.

And they both were winning.

The no hickey rule and been replaced by "try not to break anything or draw blood," and the muffled scream rule (that had thus far benefited Leonard most) had been abandoned along with the unwritten rule discouraging excessive swearing during their coital chatter.

"Oh, fuck me!" Amy hissed as Sheldon did just that. She had already had one orgasm purely out of sheer relief that she didn't have to wait until Missy departed on Tuesday to have it. She felt something much bigger building inside her she just had to get there, "Don't stop, baby, harder." She panted.

Sheldon thrust harder into his wild vixen, the speed and depth he was achieving felt amazing as did her cries for more and more. He had been holding back, going easy on her. The first night, he hadn't realized that he might have been too vigorous with her until the next morning, when he saw how stiff and sore she was. When he scolded her for not letting him know, she grinned and reassured him of her bliss, "Sheldon, with the amount of Oxytocin I was kicking out, you could have ripped my arm out of its socked and I wouldn't have noticed but I would have had an orgasm because of it." But he'd made of a point of being extremely tender with her ever since. Until now.

They abandoned the rigid control they'd maintained over their love-making, taking things further, faster and wilder. The growling and hissing that had always been a feature was louder and punctuated by love-bites, hair pulling and use of the word fuck.

Amy's second orgasm lasted for almost a minute and was swiftly followed by a quicker third that was so powerful, she might have actually passed out for few seconds. She came to with Sheldon calling her, "Amy! Please! Stay with me, darlin', we aren't done." He shifted positions so he was able to thrust deeper inside her.

Groaning, she pushed herself up on her elbows and stared deep into his lust drunk eyes. "Now." She growled, reaching her hand to grab the back of his neck, "NOW!" And he came inside her, wave after wave, until they collapsed in gasping panting heap on her bed.

Panting, Sheldon did his usual post-coital sweep to assess sexual injuries. Frowning, he ran his fingers over some love bites on her neck and chest. Amy pulled him down to kiss her and moaned, "Don't worry baby, I got you back pretty good." She shivered in delight as he slowly withdrew from her body. "Okay, is it going to be this much fun the whole weekend? Sneaking around behind you sister's back?"

"Shhhh," Sheldon scolded her, "In bed we do not mention family members, by name or title. It feels weird."

"Fine, we are both orphans and we are only dodging my guest and your former…" Amy resisted the obvious pun, "roommate."

"Much better." He affectionately kissed her forehead. "The worst part is, she can't be trusted . There is a woman in Galveston that is going to be getting the full scoop on everything she finds out."

"You really think she'll snitch?"

"Hell yes, but not until she gets every bit of information she can." Sheldon sighed, "I'd tell you not to say anything tomorrow night, but I am fairly sure She-Hulk will no longer be threatened by the Monkey video."

"Don't call Bernadette She-Hulk. It makes her angry and you wouldn't like her when she's angry." Amy advised. She smiled seeing Sheldon's eyes darken with desire as his lover correctly quoted the Hulk.

Hopefully, Penny would keep Missy out all night…


	14. Sated Starfish Plausibilty

I own nothing.

_A/N: Complete Plot Bunny chapter_

**Sated Starfish Plausibility**

Amy had starting working on Raj's mutism issue on Monday. It turned out, it was a little trickier than she had anticipated. She had enlisted help. Bernadette's company was working on some experimental medications, so she was working with them, the CalTech and UCLA Pharm labs on the drugs side of the coin. For the brain and brain management part of the equation, she had called upon Beverly Hofstadter. Sheldon had insisted, Leonard had protested and Raj had not been consulted. Raj's responsibilities at this point were to shut up and do as he was told, which was easy because everyone on the assembled team was a female.

Dr. Hofstadter had been charmed by the protocols of the experiment. And was delighted to be involved. And proved it by calling Amy at 5am on a Saturday.

The woman had an IQ that couldn't be measured by conventional means (pffft, who didn't?) but she still couldn't figure that if it was 8am in New Jersey, everyone is still asleep in Pasadena.

Or in Amy's case, they were being forced off the bed by the sated starfish. Her phone went off with the resonating sounds of Season of the Witch. Startled, Sheldon sat bolt upright in bed, knocking Amy to the floor. She landed on her ass with a thud. "Amy, why are you on the floor?" He asked, looking confused.

Amy glared at him for a moment. This morning the bed protocol issue was going to be discussed. She grabbed the phone, from where she had knocked it on the floor. Crap. Beverly was requesting a video chat. Amy snatched the top blanket off of Sheldon and wrapped it around herself, stalking out into the living room. Sheldon sensed that this was not the moment to point out that a blanket was not a robe and blankets belonged with whomever was still on the bed.

"Dr. Fowler," Beverly's perfectly coiffed head took over the frame of Amy's smartphone. "Did I wake you?"

She wasn't going to answer that, "What can I do for you?"

"I reviewed the proposal for the exposure parameters. They are brilliant, if he doesn't have a stroke, they should do the trick. It is such an obscure subject, the paper should be fascinating."

Amy brightened a bit, "That is acceptable. I can handle a stroke. Do you see a problem with my proceeding today? Raj will be joining us for a girls' lunch and shopping this afternoon. I will have two attractive unattached females in the party."

Beverly made a little noise. It seemed to be a laugh or maybe an odd cough? "That should be a sight to see. I'd recommend, however, you wait to enact your protocols until the medical intervention is at full dosage."

"Really," Amy frowned, "That is a shame. But I see your point. No problem, we can just get him drunk at lunch."

"Have you considered the obvious…that the subject might be homosexual?"

"Of course and I wish it were that simple. This would be much easier. Although, I think confusion over sexual orientation might be part of the deeper issue." Amy sighed, "We need a quick fix, so we can get him an acceptable girlfriend and then she can force him into therapy."

"I concur." Beverly smiled, tightly, "So, Dr. Fowler, how is your new interest in sexual intercourse progressing?"

Amy paused. None of her usual rebuffs would do. Beverly would probably be (rightfully) fascinated by the howler monkey foreplay video and the older woman was helping her with her Raj research for free… "Fine. Everything is fine. What makes you ask that?" She pulled the blanket more tightly around her neck.

"By observing the spotty bruising on your neck and the fact you are clearly naked, wrapped a blanket…" Beverly stated, "I'd say the sexual intercourse was progressing better than fine. I trust you are taking elementary birth control precautions."

"I'll send you a pharm update on Monday, Dr. Hofstadter." Amy ended the conversation.

"Good bye, Dr. Fowler." Beverly terminated the call.

Amy stalked back into the bedroom, "Did you tell Beverly?" She asked as she purposely staked out a fairly sized position on her side of the bed.

Sheldon blinked, "About what?"

"Our…" She paused, "Our sleeping habits."

"I didn't say anything. She just knew." He frowned, "for the first time, I understood why the rest of our social group is rendered near catatonic by the mere idea of her having dinner with us."

"You should have told me." Amy said, scrambling under the covers. Still frowning.

"It just happened yesterday. I didn't have a chance, Missy was there, I had a Velveeta reaction…" he drew her into his arms, "Don't be mad." He was mildly stunned. Was he now able to gage Amy's emotional state, effectively?

"I am not mad." Amy said. She was, though. She wasn't entirely sure way. It felt like a little bit of everything. "I am just tired because you sleep like a 3 year old."

"What does that mean?"

Still nestled against him, Amy explained the sated starfish concept in addition to his blanket thievery. To her displeasure, he replied, "You need to sleep more aggressively." She turned away on her side… He wanted her to sleep more aggressively?

This shit was ON!

By turning away from Sheldon and forcing him, if he wished to cuddle, to spoon behind her meant he couldn't roll her to the far side of the bed as easily. Which meant Sheldon didn't sleep as deeply, which meant he was up a six to watch Dr. Who and he was mildly grouchy. He pondered the morning testiness of his girlfriend. The episode of Dr. Who featured River Song. River was the only character, besides Jack Harkness, that Amy seemed to enjoy. (Rose was vapid, Martha was dull… She only came to enjoy Amelia and Rory once River was revealed to be their daughter).Should he wake her up?

No… probably not. He recorded the episode on her TiVo.

Her irritability this morning puzzled him. It was certainly nothing to do with the night before. They'd had a lovely meal with Missy, then got rid of Missy. Then they had engaged in two sessions of mind blowing… sleeping, before showering, changing the sheets and then… napping… for a half hour and calling it a night. The sated starfish issue was not possible. That was just not how he slept. Usually. When he slept with Amy, he did fall asleep a far more quickly than the norm, thanks to high calorie expenditure and mild dehydration.

Had he really told her to sleep more aggressively? That probably was not going to work out too well for him. He'd have to confer with Leonard later.

Missy came stumbling in the door at 8am. She was wearing face covering sunglasses and her hair was wild. "Do I care to know?" Her twin asked from the sofa.

"I met a rich guy, from Malibu…" She grinned. "He was dumb as a stump, but he sure was pretty." She looked at him, he was fully regaled in plaid pajama/robe. "How was your night?"

"Better than yours in that I've come away from it without chlamydia." Sheldon said dryly.

Amy came out of the bedroom, in her robe, "Missy, are you just getting home?"

"With chlamydia." Sheldon clarified. Amy smiled at him… with three hours of sleep under her belt, he seemed adorable again.

"Well one does want some sort of souvenir." Amy said proceeding to the kitchen, "Do you want coffee?"

"No. With permission, I am going to collapse on your bed until you drag me out of it for lunch." Missy yawned.

"Shower first," Sheldon said, sternly. "the last thing Amy needs on her sheets dumb guy from Malibu."

"What y'all do in your spare time is not my concern." Missy walked into the bedroom.

The other ladies and Raj started coming over at noon. Sheldon would go home with Leonard who was dropping off an very hung over Penny. Leonard pulled Amy aside, "Don't let her drink too much." Amy gave him the yeah right look. "She showed up at home about 3 in the morning… amorous and puking…"

"That is the price of you," she indicated Leonard's body, "Doing business in that zip code." She pointed at Penny.

"I am serious." He whispered.

"I know, but today is not the day to start this." Amy whispered back. "We can talk to her next week."

"You'll help?" Leonard looked relieved.

"I'll be there when you talk to her, but she has to want to. She doesn't want to." Amy said, sympathetically.

Sheldon was introducing Missy, "Bernadette, Padma, this is my twin sister, Missy, this is Doctor Wolowitz and Dr. Patil."

Seeing Padma panic, Raj waved her into the kitchen, he handed her the bottle of Kahlua with a nod. She took a sip and smiled gratefully at him. Missy came up behind them, "There you are! Cutie! Come give me a hug." Raj gave the tall beauty a tipsy suave smile and obliged, not seeing Padma frown petulantly. "There you go, honey, starting early." She beamed at Padma while her eyes glinted icily. "Good plan."

Bernadette and Amy martialed the group out of the apartment and into their various cars. As Amy was about to get into her car with Penny and Missy, Sheldon stopped her, "Missy's up to no good." He whispered.

"Huh?"

"Man hunt." He nodded. "She's in a stupid mood." He kissed her on the lips, "Good luck."

"Thanks." She called watching him get into Leonard's car. "Because I really need no other explanation of those statements!"

"Come on!" Missy and Penny called excitedly. "Beverly Hills lunch!"

Amy felt a sense of foreboding, "Yep… good luck."

_A/N: They just wanted to hang out in bed and fight… what are you going to do. Story movement next chapter. Missy wants to be a more important character._


	15. The Party's in the Back

I own nothing. All belongs the overlords of comedy, Chuck and Bill and the money guys.

**The Party's in the Back**

Lunch and shopping had been a fairly bitchy affair. With Missy inexplicably icing out Padma, Padma being completely defenseless and bolting after lunch without shopping. Worst Raj, quite in reverse of his drunken pledges of eternal devotion to Padma merely one week before, seemed fully smitten with the gorgeous bitch from east Texas.

On the bright side, the ladies remaining got some expensive new clothes on Raj's every ready AmEx black card.

While still pretty enamored of her hopefully future sister-in-law, Amy saw that the girl had some problems. After spending a little time with her, Amy had an idea that getting her out of Texas might solve some of them. Missy was an experienced cardiac ICU nurse, with perchance for not adequately gauging whether the men she dated were married or merely just incredibly handsome jerk asses. As much as Padma might be a good choice for Raj, the possibility existed that Raj might be a good option for Missy. If it worked out it would be great for the group. If didn't work out it would be a zombie apocalypse.

Add to that the fact that upon hearing of his sister was dating the swarthy scientist, Sheldon would likely have a conniption fit or possibly spontaneously combust. Whatever his reaction, it would be an exquisitely rare pathological occurrence. One that Amy would be expected to manage.

Tricky, tricky, tricky. It was all very tricky.

Missy had suggested everyone get together for a pre-slumber party dinner at a fancy restaurant and Raj offered to pay for everyone. Despite his reputation for stinginess with the boys, by the end of the days the ladies were, for complex reasons, calling him Captain Daddy.

As they rode home in the limo (so the all the girls could drink and shop, Raj had paid two valets 300.00 each to return Amy and Bernadette's cars to Amy's apartment.) Raj put his head on Amy's shoulder, "We'll be brother and sister…" he gazed at Penny and Missy talking animatedly, "I love her."

"Raj, you are the boy that cried love." Annoyed, Amy shrugged him off, "If you ever really do fall in love, no one will believe you."

"Dudette… this is real…" he grinned at Missy, who shot him a flirtatious wink.

Missy called, "Remember, Amy, sugar. You got a man." Missy was a saucy drunk.

So… Amy thought, sipping her white wine, here comes the zombie apocalypse.

The restaurant chosen for that evening was the nicest in Pasadena, with all the grandeur and majesty that implied. Back at Amy's Raj decreed which outfit each lady would wear.

His choices were all kinda slutty. Penny and Missy were delighted, Amy and Bernie were less so. The other girls wore outfits that Raj had purchased that afternoon, while Amy was steered into the less modest of the cocktail dresses he had purchased for her the week before.

The dress that Raj called "Party in the Back".

It was a black dress with leather detail. The neckline was modest, it had long sleeves, came down to her mid calf. And it had a low low low back and the leather detail emphasized her ass in a way that made her not want to leave the house. Since there was still a small issue with hickeys, she'd been allowed (she had no rights at this juncture) to wear a blood red silk scarf around her throat. Her hair had been styled rather severely in a chignon and her make up consisted of pale foundation, smudge proof red lipstick and mascara.

The total look didn't say professional dominatrix so much as talented amateur with a whip and a dream.

It also implied she might be a vampire life-stylist.

The other ladies were much less modestly attired, but the all felt a butt load more comfortable going out like that than Amy did.

They arrived at the restaurant a bit earlier than the boys. The boys were running a late due to some sort of on-line dispute on the star wars message boards. Apparently it was escalating and everyone at the apartment was spazzing out.

"Ladies, please wait in the bar, I shall see what the hold up is…" Raj said slipping a waiter a 50.00, "Please find the ladies a table and start their tab."

Bernadette was blocking the gloriousness of Amy's ass by walking very close behind her. It wasn't for Amy's benefit, she didn't want the room wouldn't see the amount of cleavage she was flaunting. It was classy dress… it was just a lot of boobage.

Amy saw someone she knew, "Guys, wait for me at the table, I want to say hello to someone." She went to the other side of the bar, "Hey, Jinx." She grinned, "And no, you can't buy me a drink."

"Dr. Fowler!" Josh beamed, "what are you doing here."

"Ah, Raj is trying to seduce a young lady and so everyone gets expensive food. The blessings are manifold. And you?"

"Fundraising."

"Typical." She scoffed.

During the week since they meet, Amy and Josh had entered into an on-line friendship. It was all very chaste, proper, professional… And she liked Josh. She didn't have many friends of her own, that hadn't been Sheldon's first. It was nice to have one.

Amy had basically shut him down romantically while accepting his friendship. Josh had suspected that it might go that way and was prepared. Sheldon had stepped up in some ways. That did surprise him, but President Siebert didn't over estimate Dr. Cooper. He was going to drop the ball. It was a waiting game. And in the meantime, it was nice to have an intellectual friend not tied directly to his own work. That her ass looked that amazing was a bonus.

"Who are you stalking?" She asked, looking around the room, "No!"

"I don't know how to respond to that," he turned his head seeing what she was talking about, "oh. You know about that."

"Mrs. Latham?" Amy bounced a little, "Yes, she is an elderly sexual legend." She bit her lip. "Leonard is going to be here. My, won't that be awkward." She giggled, a little evilly, but hell. It was funny.

"Yeah." He took a swig of his drink, "Hofstadter set the bar kind of high."

"You mean figuratively, right?" she beamed.

The boys picked that moment to arrive. The first thing Sheldon saw was the back of Amy. Raj hadn't been exaggerating. The second thing she saw was her laughing with Siebert. His face twitched. He'd known they'd become Facebook friends and twitter followers, but as long as they didn't see each other, he could deal. There was nothing untoward, two people standing a decent distance apart, chatting in public… nothing to get upset about.

The blood of his Texan forebears lit up and branded the battle cry, **Oh, hell no.** on his amygdala.

He walked purposefully up behind Amy, Josh rolled his eyes and whispered, "Incoming."

Amy turned to see Sheldon approaching and shot him a smile of such honest delight at seeing him it almost knocked him down, "Hi, guess what? All hell's about to break loose." She didn't know how true that was. "Mrs. Latham is here." Sheldon looked blank, "Leonard's septuagenarian sugar mama."

Josh decided to withdraw, "I have to join her, so I'll be bidding you good night, Dr. Fowler, Dr. Cooper." This was going to be interesting. Let's see what he does.

Sheldon turned Amy's back toward the bar and pinned her, "What was that?" he said in a low voice.

"I was saying hello to an acquaintance and getting some gossip." Amy didn't like his tone, but she was intrigued by the machismo he was kicking out.

"What's this?" He ran his hand over her shoulder and down her back.

"It's a dress." Amy said, trying to sound cold. She was dressed like a vampire dominatrix, goddamn it, she should be in charge here! "And if you don't like it, please take it up with Raj."

"The table's not going to be ready for 15 minutes." Sheldon whispered in her ear, "Come with me." He guided her in front of him, keeping his warm hand on the center of her back.

At the table, Missy turned to Penny, "What the hell was that?"

"Your brother gets a little bit jealous, sometimes," Penny shrugged. "I think it was because she was chatting with President Siebert and he'd been a little flirty flirty with her last weekend."

"She didn't encourage it," clarified Bernadette, "But turned out good for Sheldon and Amy. It made him see that Amy wasn't meant to be a mint in box toy in his closet."

"Yep," Penny chuckled, "He had to break that seal and play with that action figure."

"First, y'all are gross. Second, that Siebert fella looked quite well smitten with Amy." Missy frowned, "Good for Sheldon. Amy's too trusting, it is his job to keep the wolves at bay. And I am going to tell him that." She paused, "As soon as they come in from whatever they are going to be doing… wherever they wind up doing it… Christ on a cracker, I do not need that image in my brain." Missy pasted on a smile as the other boys joined them.

Sheldon guided Amy to small alcove that seemed to be well designed for his purpose. Once she was inside, he pulled the little curtain and pushed her against the wall, kissing her hard on the mouth. She moaned snaking her arms around his neck, adoring the passion, but not having a bit of time for what had caused it.

"You are mine." He whispered, pulling away from her mouth, untying her scarf, then running his fingers over the fading love bites on her neck, "All mine."

Amy pulled him closer by his tie, brushing his lips with hers, "I am. And you are mine." She gazed into his eyes, "I'll never love anyone but you, I'll never nap with or sleep with anyone but you. Ever." She ran her hand under his jacket, over his shirt, hitting several sweet spots that caused him to sigh then she hissed. "In exchange for all that I expect you to not act like an ass whenever you see me talking to a man I am friends with in public."

"I wasn't acting." He hissed… then replayed what he'd said in his head, "Not like that, I didn't mean it like that…"

"I know what you mean." She snapped. "Nothing has changed. I don't want you be all sexy or lovey with me in public just to prove a point to someone else. Someone who has nothing to do with us! It actually negates us."

Sheldon didn't speak, "You know what seeing you talk to other men does to my brain…"

"Baby, I know. And later on if you want to take a bite out of my ass over it, literally or figuratively… well that might be fun." She cupped his face in her hands. "We don't change who we are to prove a point. We are discrete. We don't slobber or grope in public. We are not for public consumption. And what you do with me when you get me home, baby, just let them just wonder." She kissed him again.

He rested his forehead against hers, "I am sorry."

"Always forgiven," she kissed his chin, "but there will be a penalty." She pulled away and tied her scarf.

"What penalty?" he asked as she took him by his shoulders and turned him around.

"Not sure yet." She pushed him out of the alcove, "But hold on to your hat, it's gonna be weird. And for Christ's sake stay behind me! This dress is appalling."

She felt his hand on her butt, "Not appalling, just not for public consumption."

_A/N: I am going to write a Halloween chapter or two; because the whole Raggedy Ann and Raggedy C-3P0 thing was weak. It is about 2 chapters ahead so I'll have it posted by Halloween. Right now it is going to be a group costume, the theme will be X-Men, Batman's Rogue gallery, Downton Abbey or Zombie Apocalypse. Please review. It is very motivating._


	16. Simple Plans for World Domination

The usual disclaimers… I own nothing.

**Simple Plans for World Domination**

Missy still hadn't had a chance to tell her twin "Atta Boy!" over his swift, purposeful handling of whatever happened with that Siebert jerk. Working separately, yet as a team, Missy and Sheldon had managed to arrange the seating so that Siebert couldn't see Amy at all, obstructing his view with a column and Sheldon.

Oblivious to the machinations of the Texas Twins, Amy had steered Leonard into a seat where he'd been in full view of Mrs. Latham. She hadn't started people giving shit until relatively late in life, nevertheless, Amy was a natural. But it also meant her methods were more subtle and that she didn't know her own strength. She didn't draw attention to Mrs. Latham's presence, nor had she opened Leonard up to group wide ridicule (at that point in time, the night was young). She just waited.

The dinner progressed pleasantly until Missy brought the conversation to a new level. "If y'all were going to rule and/or destroy the world, how would you do it?"

Penny looked confused, while the scientists lit up like eager, evil Christmas trees.

Bernadette spoke first, her crazy she-hulk eyes glinting in the mood lighting, "Did you ever read the Stand?" I've got an ass load of things in my lab that would make Captain Trips look like the strain of Gonorrhea that still responds to penicillin. I also have access to the vaccines and the limited anti-viruses… So maybe y'all don't wanna fuck with me."

"I love ya, my evil queen," Howard kissed her hands, "But you don't truly control that. You are a far more likely to do that accidently than on purpose. Unlike me… and SKY NET!"

Penny choked on her whine, "You actually want to do that?" she turned to Sheldon and Leonard, "What about the SkyNet clause in your roommate agreement? What about Sarah Connor?"

Leonard shrugged, "We are only bound to assist each other if we accidently create SkyNet. We have no obligation to limit the scientific endeavors of others."

"Also," Sheldon took a sip of his diet soda, "We don't think he can do it." He smiled insincerely at Howard, "You keep dreaming, slugger."

"We are going to use lasers, from space, to reign terror from above." Raj smiled silkily, pouring Melissa more whine.

Amy scoffed. Missy turned toward her, "Do we have a challenger, Dr. Fowler?"

"Anyone can destroy a city with bio agents. And space lasers and sky net, that is will be cost prohibitive and expected. However, it takes skills to turn the Planet of the Apes in a goddamn documentary." Amy raised her glass to her friends, "I am 50 million dollars in grant money, ten years and one severe ethical crisis away from living the dream." She swept her hand envisioning… "My army of fighting apes."

"And," Howard raised his glass in return, "We have a winner." The rest of the table politely started to golf clap.

"Why are you asking this stuff?" Penny asked.

Missy pointed at her twin. "I grew up with him. The best part of that was that he was always talking about death rays and plans for world domination…"

"Seriously," Sheldon glared, "That was the best part? What was the worst part?"

"You kept trying to weaponize my toys." Missy answered.

"I didn't **try** to weaponize your toys. I succeeded in weaponizing your toys."

"True. And at least you didn't decapitate my Barbie Dolls." She and Sheldon made identical eye rolls. "George." They sighed in unison. "Once Shelly turned my Easy Bake Oven into a cat scanner/nuclear reactor, George used it to melt my dolls and Shelly's action figures."

"So," Penny asked, "George is a serial killer?"

Missy huffed a little, pressed her lips into a full line (the resemblance between her and her twin now obvious to all), "He is not a serial killer. He's a horse's ass and a lot of work, but there is no body count… I have to keep lying to women for him. "Sorry, sweetie, he's gone to South America… Yep, Ecuador… That's right, he left yesterday morning right after he climbed out y'all's window… I have no idea what happened to your iPad or your checkbook… or your wedding ring.""

Sheldon enjoyed being the favorite brother, "Remember the time, when you were in nursing school and he came to your apartment at 4 am having shot himself while cleaning his gun," he paused, "to clarify," he said to the group, "he shot himself in the ass." The twins laughed, "Then you called me… "What do I do, Shelly? What do I do?""

"Oh, yes, you were very empathetic to my plight, "Take the bullet out, Missy. And don't call me this late again unless his aim gets better.""

Leonard spotted Mrs. Latham and had responded by immediately making out with Penny in the middle of dessert. Amy was charmed, the reaction was very lower brain with pathological components. She resolved to question him later.

After dinner was finished, Missy pulled Sheldon to the side, "What is up with that Siebert person?"

"Nothing." Sheldon whispered back, "they are friends." He frowned.

"She might be Siebert's friend, but he has a different agenda." Missy warned, glancing over her shoulder at where Josh ate with Mrs. Latham. "I can see where you might be constrained as to what actions you can take…" she turned and kissed her brother's cheek, he recoiled from her germs, "I might have a word with him."

"Would you?" Sheldon smiled, subtly cleansing his cheek with a sanitizing wipe. He had great confidence in Missy's abilities to tell people off. They'd know they'd been told, but they would be rendered docile.

"Anything for you, Shelly Bean."

The girls adjourned to Amy's apartment to finally start the slumber party, while the boys went back to Los Robles to deal with the Star Wars Flame war.

Amy's slumber party skills had increased since her first one. For example when she served Mrs. Cooper's world famous ice cream sandwiches, she gave everyone a dish of Kahlua, Bailey's and Crème di Menthe. For dunking. After that the party had no choice but to veer quickly into awesomeness.

About an hour in, Bernadette propped herself up against the couch, "Dr. Fowler, we've waited long enough. Spill the damn beans!" Her eyes flashed, she hulk crazy.

"And," Penny grinned, "we've hidden your smart phone, your iPad and your laptop. Also, Raj changed your desktop password. So no monkey lecture, girlie."

"Sheldon's sister is here." Amy gestured to Missy, hopefully, "That would be uncomfortable for her."

"Don't worry about me Sugar, I am going to go into your bedroom and call my Mom, now you tell them absolutely everything," Missy grabbed her purse and walked into the bedroom.

Amy was irritated by Missy's desertion, "Come back!" No response, "Fine, call your mother from the bed where I defile your brother!"

"Ew!" Missy yelled back, "And by the way, Mom heard that!"

"Fine." Amy flopped down on her couch in surrender. "What do you think you need to know?"

At the boys apartment, laptops were open, and full flaming/trolling was in session.

Since Howard could multi-task, he started in, "Amy's ass certainly looked delicious in that dress…"

Sheldon glared at him, but said nothing.

Leonard grinned, but said to Sheldon, "The door has been opened, you may now comment on Bernadette's breasts."

"What about them?" Sheldon asked, frowning.

"Did you see her dress?" Raj asked with raised eyebrows. "The girls were well displayed."

"I am with Amy, what do I care about Bernadette's cleavage?" he looked genuinely confused, then he frowned "And what do you care about Amy's derrière?"

"Well," Howard grinned, suavely, "up to a week ago I was unaware of the gloriousness of its beauty…"

"No need for that." Leonard said sternly. There would be no rocking the boat that was going so well for him personally.

"By the way, Penny's legs looked gorgeous…" Howard offered. "and Leonard, you know which other of your former sexual partners looked especially spiffy tonight?"

Sheldon turned his attention toward his computer, feeling regret that Amy hadn't been there when the hammer came down on Leonard.

"No it wasn't awkward." Amy said, leaning back on the sofa with her eyes trained on the ceiling. "Except when we realized our contraceptive situation was the Zombie Apocalypse edition of The Gift of the Magi."

Penny frowned, "Don't try to confuse me. Did it hurt?"

"It was my first time, okay," Amy said, "It hurt at first," her friends nodded sympathetically, "then the Oxytocin kicked in and everything was just fine. Of course the next morning I felt like I'd been wrestling a grizzly bear with my bare thighs… What do you really want to know?"

"How did he do with the stickiness issue?" Bernie asked.

"During? He could not have cared less. That held true until after the third time. Then it became an issue for both of us so we showered and changed beds." Amy nodded, "that's how I can tell when he's done for the night… we shower and change the sheets. The protocol is outlined in the relationship agreement amendent."

"Excellent detail. May we see the relevant passages in the relationship agreement?" Bernadette asked. Amy shook her head, glaring, "Whatever. Moving on, consecutive multiple incidents, is that currently the norm?" Bernadette paused, "Don't make that face, you can ask me anything you want to know about me and Howie."

Amy took a sip of her wine, "Yeah, I'll bear that in mind."

"Enough of that girls," Penny said, "Was the morning after weird?"

"No. It wasn't. It was good, it was happy. I exchanged virginities with the man I love. Because we both wanted to. That being said, apparently that book you gave him taught him a lot. So, thanks."

"Amy, you can't learn everything from books." Bernadette chided.

"No, you aren't able to learn everything from books. You are not Sheldon. Sheldon taught himself to swim and ride a bike theoretically before he attempted either action." Amy boasted, smiling. "And don't bring up driving. Everyone has a weakness."

"Has the sex been improving?" Bernadette continued.

"Yes."

"Are you in charge in bed?" the little biologist grinned.

Amy giggled and blushed, she looked at her lap and shook her head. Her friends cheered. They sharing barrier had been breached.

"Tell me!" Penny bounced.

"You know him, he is always so bossy." Amy hugged a pillow, smiling. "He is also… bigger than me… you know."

Penny and Bernadette currently did not know about that, but remained thrilled that Amy was sharing organically.

"I think I always assumed that when or if we were together, I'd have to do all the work…"

"Not the case?" Bernie asked.

"Nope…" here Amy held up her hands, "Wait. If we must talk about my sticky nocturnal habits, I need some actual advice," she paused, "Sheldon is due for a penalty for being jealous and assy tonight. I need some ideas. Also, he sleeps like a comatose 3 year old. I need to gain control over the sleeping part of our sleeping together."

"That's what friends are for, honey." Bernie assured her.

Inside the bedroom, Missy was on the phone with her mother.

"I still can't believe my Shelly is doing that. With a girl. With a human girl." Mary said.

"Well, he is." Missy said, "Don't fret too much about the sinning, I am pretty sure he means to commit matrimony with her as soon as he can."

She could hear her mother choke back a little yelp of glee.

"There is one matter," Missy continued, "Shelly's a little jealous of this other man. He's sort of been sniffing around."

"Amy isn't encouraging it?" Mary asked.

"Amy barely notices it, she only has eyes for Shelly. She thinks the other guy is her friend. Shelly thinks different."

"What is your opinion, little Miss?"

"I need more info, but I am inclined to think that Shelly has a point. I am going to do a little digging. I might stay a few extra days. At least through Halloween."

"Melissa Lee Cooper." Mary asked, "What else is going on?"

"I am having a good time, Mom, that is all. I mean I am having fun being with Shelly, how often does that happen? Also Amy is a honey and she really did your casserole justice."

"It is so cute when she calls for recipes. You can tell she's a scientist… she expects ingredient lists and quantities. Or that may just be because she is from California. Now don't think you can distract me, is there a man out there?"

"Mom, it is just a little flirty thing with Raj. And I know he isn't married, which is a huge step up for me." Missy said, dejectedly.

"I've told you, you need to start using googling the yahoo on these boys." Mary warned.

Yes. Mom."

_A/N: Halloween is coming! Please review!_


	17. The Slutty Version

I own nothing.

**The Slutty Version**

The group costume had been in the works since Howard got back from space. They decided go as Batman's Rogue Gallery and since the boys usually went as superheroes, they were neither thrilled nor confident. However the female superheroes in the DC universe (apparently marvel verse was a little too flashy for the boys…) were either derivative, clichéd or completely unknown, the ladies had joined forces and made a rather forceful argument that Batman had good villainesses. Raj had sided with them and given him the name of his costume maker.

Amy would be Catwoman(circa Julie Newmar, she'd been assured she didn't look like a prostitute or a sausage), her date would be Sheldon as the Riddler(green suit, question mark cane and bowler, no unitard).

Bernadette would be Harley Quinn (the slutty version) and Howard would be the Joker (also the slutty version).

Penny would be Poison Ivy (not the Uma Thurman cum Mae West version, more the Batman, the animated series) and Leonard would the Penguin (Fun loving Burgess Meredith version, not gross ass Danny DeVito version).

Raj was going to be Bane which led perfectly into Missy being Talia al Ghul (She would have to wear an expensive dress and order Raj to kill people. Everyone agreed, that was totally in her wheel house)…

The big news was that they would not be going to the comic book store (Stuart had finally admitted defeat, sold the store and was now inking an underground comic about a depressed comic store owner with superpowers… it was totally Meta). So in lieu of that, they were going to the bi-monthly social run by some ex-pat scientists from Manitoba who really knew how to get their geek on.

Missy sat in Penny's apartment, dressed in a prim black suit, with no blouse and the lapels held in place (and creating weird cleavage) with double sided tape. Amy had lent her the blood red scarf in the event of tape failure. Missy had begun to actively adore Amy. She had extended her trip until the Friday after Halloween. This gave her time to plan her strategy on how to deal with Siebert and to throw a big speed bump in her twin brother's sex life… for kicks. Following her mother's advice she was "googling the yahoo" on the Caltech President. Hmmm… mid 40's, conventionally attractive, divorced without kids, Ph. D. in molecular chemistry, former Jeopardy champion, made a lot of money as an administrator… it was a good thing that Shelly's girl was so wildly in love with him, or Siebert might have been worth Amy's time.

"Mother fucker!" Penny yelled bursting through the door, "Rajesh is a mother fucker!"

"Hey Sweet P." Missy smiled coyly, "You are green."

"You don't say? I allowed him to take me to the beauty torture palace with Bernadette, 2 valiums and half a bottle of champagne later and I wake up GREEN!"

"So the fact that he dyed your hair blood red isn't troubling you?" Missy inquired.

Penny's eyes went wide and she ran to the bathroom. "MOTHER FUCKER!"

Amy came through the door a few minutes later. "Raj called me. How bad?"

"She looks cute. I am sure Leonard has some Orion slave girl issues that need to be resolved. This could work out for her," Missy paused, "Why are you wearing a trench coat?"

"Because I look like an illogical prostitute." Amy pulled the trench more tightly around her, "I mean a logical prostitute would wear something she could successfully go to the toilet in. Or get off for you know perform… you know… whore business…." Here she looked wistful, "I am going to be honest Missy, I am going to need to find a flat surface behind a locked door… and I am going to drag your brother in there for really goddamn long nap."

"Yeah," Missy nodded, "I think I am allowed to have sex with Raj tonight provided I am nowhere near your apartment. Sheldon is pretty damn sleepy too. Now take off the trench. Don't be embarrassed! Look at me! I am dressed like a character from Ayn Rand's unpublished novel… Atlas Humped."

Amy sighed and took off the trench. Missy hooted, "Oh hell girl! You look great! That is so Newmar! She is Sheldon's favorite Catwoman, and I don't want to tell tales… but I think she was the cause of his first wood."

"I am so sad that you think you know that." Amy said, sitting down. She waved her hand in the air, "I assume there is wine?" Missy went to get it.

Bernadette came in wrapped in a blanket, "Rajesh is dead to me." She let the blanket drop, Amy and Missy hooted.

"I thought you were going as Harley Quinn!" Amy stood, hands on hips, unaware she was in classic Catwoman pose. "Not as slutty clown nurse."

"it is Canon. It is Arkham Asylum. Apparently the creeper Canadians will understand." Bernie ground out sounding, actually, a lot like Harley Quinn from Batman the animated series.

Penny came out of the bedroom, took the bottle from Missy and chugged it. Looked at Bernadette, "Ahhh, well… now I don't feel so bad. Shall we mask up and go get the boys?"

"Should we wait for them to come get us?" Missy asked tying her plain velvet mask behind her severe bun.

"No, they take forever to get ready." Bernadette growled. "Let's just get this over with."

Leonard opened the door and looked stunned by the badass bevy of Batman babes before him. He attempted to do a Penguin imitation, but Penny kissed him quiet, "No accents."

"Where's Sheldon?" asked Amy looking around.

"in his room. He is seconded guessing the unitard question." Leonard quacked.

Amy raced toward the back of the apartment. She knocked on his door, and trilled her 'r's', "Oh Riddler, I need help with my purrrfectly bad cat puns. Help me, please. They are a CATastrophe!" The door opened and she was pulled in by her wrist by a flash of green. Before she could riddle him anything, she was pinned on her back on top of his Batman sheets. Which for some reason were open and ready for action. She smiled up at her boyfriend, "So you've missed me?"

Sheldon was wearing a tastefully cut green suit with question marks on the lapels and a purple cloth mask over his face, "A little," he pulled one her legs to wrap around his waist. He kissed her softly, "Miss Kyle."

"Mr. Nygma." She cooed back, wrapping her other leg around him and pulling him more securely against her, "Is there a multi-verse where Catwoman and Riddler take a lot of naps together."

A voice screeched from out in the living room, "Stop what you are doing in there and let's get going!" Howard yelled.

Missy knocked on the door, "Y'all quit. We've gotta go."

"We'll be out in a second!" Sheldon yelled, "Amy's helping me with my mask!"

"Of course, Shelly Bean, what else could she be doing to you?"

_A/N: This chapter is being split. Shout out to Halloween Socials in Winnipeg! Prayers and good thoughts to our friends on the East Coast!_


	18. Unmasking

Usual disclaimers. 

**Unmasking**

The event was known as a Manitoba Social and it had a charming pioneer sensibility. Like you would be expected to raffle off a box lunch, build a barn and then after Preacher man blessed the structure and retired for the night… drunken barn dance. It was being run by some ex-pat Canadian scientists in the LA area. Also the proceeds were going to benefit the education programs at the Children's Science Museum and to support their live action role playing habit.

Penny's initial reaction was to long for the relative debauchery of the comic book store to make matters worse Leonard really getting into his Penguin character. To make things even worse, Amy, Bernadette and Missy were laughing at everything he said, so he wouldn't stop.

Bernadette was relieved to see a number of other people, men and woman, dressed like slutty nurses. She, however, remained the lone slutty clown nurse. The main consolation was that Howie had gone out of his way to slut up his Joker costume. Smudged lipstick, sad mascara eyes, shirt ripped open, he was fully clothed but he'd tried.

Missy's usual Halloween, involved either be volunteering to work at the ER to add to her mental rolodex of hilarious booze related injuries (that didn't involve her older brother) or going out to a boring fancy party with a rich dude or a debauched party with a broke bad boy who played by his own rules. Tonight she was with Raj and it was kind of the best of all three worlds. 1. He was really drunk, 2. He was a rich dude; 3. And he was an ass when he was in a bad mood… And he was in that.

Raj's costume was the most elaborate. He had rigged his costume with a voice modulator, so that whatever he said would sound like a garbled Sean Connery, like the version of Bane from the Dark Knight Rises. Actually, he sounded more like Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales. So Howard, Amy and Leonard had taken to repeating everything he said, but punctuating it with the word "GOLD!"

This did not improve his mood.

Thus far Amy was having a good night. Instead of punishing Sheldon for his assery of the previous weekend, she elected to waive the penalty phase in exchange for a promise of not putting her in that position again. He had promised and promised. Well, tonight was the night he was going to prove it. Not only was she dressed like an illogical cat hooker, but she knew a couple things he didn't know.

Things about Batman.

Sheldon knew nothing of Amy's Batman knowledge, but was having an unrelated crisis of conscience. Clearly the prize for best group costume was theirs. The only real competition was the Volturi and the citizens of Panem. The rule was that all members had to be present to win. The prize wasn't awarded until midnight, the ethical problem was that he had not had sex with his girlfriend since the proceeding Friday night… Said girlfriend was now dressed like Catwoman and behaving in a very slinky manner. Midnight was looking a long way off. He decided on a compromise. "Just so you know," he whispered, drawing her into the shadows, "The fact that we are masked renders the restriction on public displays of affection void until the unmasking."

Smiling she snaked her arms around his neck, "Lovely! But do we have to stay that long?"

"Unfortunately, if we leave the group cannot win best costume." Sheldon said kissing her forehead.

Amy pulled away, raising an eyebrow, "Seriously? Group Costume Prize?" she looked confused, "Instead of leaving early so that you can find out what, if any, underwear I am wearing right now, we have to stay for a costume prize? Of 100.00? That is 25 bucks per couple. You hat cost more than that. "

"It is the principle of the thing. It is the social compact of the group costume." He was serious.

She considered doing something with her fake claws that would convince him to leave with her immediately, but reconsidered. Sheldon was a man of honor, she loved that about him, even when it flummoxed her sexual plans. Grasping his green lapels, she pulled him down to her mouth and kissed him, then whispered, "But riddle me this, if one of the others leaves first…?"

"If any of them even take an extra long bathroom break, the contract is void and we are out of here." Sheldon kissed her back, running his hands down her back and cupping her butt, "You look good. I want to take you home right now." He backed her into a darkened corner.

"But you aren't going to? You are going to make me wait?" she asked pouting, running her claws lightly across the back of his neck making him shiver in delight, "maybe I should make you wait."

"Is that a challenge?" he smirked, "you'd really say no to me? I don't think so…" he kissed her harder holding her more firmly against him. Amy went melty, he was soooo bossy in bed. It did way more for her ovaries than his eidetic memory, and that still got them in an uproar. She smugly felt bad for Bernie and Penny, there was something to be said for a man who could pick you up and put you where he wanted you.

However, Amy felt like making things a little more interesting, despite feeling love drunk and gooey. "No, but if I have to wait, you have to wait." She slipped out of his arms and took her mask off and dropped it on the floor. "The general rules against public physical contact are reinstated and once again in full effect."

Sheldon turned and leaned against the wall, "That isn't fair."

"It is more than fair. In fact by attempting to circumvent the section regarding public physical contact with the flimsy excuse of our being masked, you have violated the relationship agreement, both in letter and in spirit. That is quite the infraction. I believe you might have to take the class, Riddler."

"We haven't set up parameters for the class," he twitched, "Besides, I give the classes."

"Not anymore. Either party can establish curriculum. I told you to get a lawyer." She smirked, turned and sashayed off to join the others at the raffle table. Peripherally she could see him come after her, with a little smile that told her "Game on".

Then his smile faded as he saw what he least wanted to see.

Batman.

Or rather Siebert as Batman.

Sheldon's blood ran cold… in the comics Batman and Catwoman had a thing, an epic thing! Riddler only had two to three story arcs with Catwoman during his existence in any of the DC Comic Multi-verses! Then he stopped and looked closer. Siebert had a date, a petite dark skinned brunette.

Batgirl.

Secret identity, Dr. Padma Patil.

As Amy would say… Interesting.

Sheldon sought out Raj to see if he'd seen the new arrivals. If Raj acted like a big doofus it might cause Missy to realize that being alone and desperate is no reason to marry a mentally ill foreigner. Also, it would certainly take the heat off him… in the unlikely (or super likely) event he felt like performing any acts of super-villainy against his boss.

Forget it. This was a win win. In the **highly** unlikely event that Missy's heart was broken, he and Amy would swoop in and get her out of the party. Granted, he would probably have to face another night of no sleep… not a happy thought… but Amy would get to see Siebert being dumped a mentally ill foreigner. Sheldon wasn't 100% sure, but that didn't sound overly dignified and it did sound very unsexy.

Across the room, Amy was seeing the same things Sheldon was. She'd known Jinx was coming with a date, and their costume was Batman (in her defense, she had almost no idea about the storied sexual tension between Batman and Catwoman. If she had… Sheldon would be wearing the cowl) and Batgirl. He hadn't told her it would be Padma.

Forget it, this was a win win. If Padma wound up with either Raj or Jinx, she and Sheldon would definitely have a new couple to double date with. And even at this distance, Amy could see Missy regarding the cape crusader with a smirk similar to Sheldon's "Game on" smile and narrowed, glinting blue eyes.

As Sheldon would say… Fascinating.

Raj's face went red and he rushed up to Padma, "What is this?" he asked in the modulator's Scrooge McDuck voice.

"GOLD!" Leonard, Amy and Howard gleefully whispered in unison. Penny and Bernadette had no idea what they were talking about and shushed them.

Padma shook her head, "I can't understand you. Did you say 'have you fish?" Raj grabbed Padma's wrist and marched her out the door.

The girls fled to Missy, Amy choked out, "I… I'm so…"

"Relieved? Me too." Missy asked, "I sort of broke it off at lunch today."

"Then why did you make that joke about sleeping with him earlier?" Amy asked, perplexed.

"Gallows humor." Missy replied, unsure. "Don't get mad, girls, please. He is just a super honest drunk and that can be really unappealing." The girls took a joint deep breath then exhaled nodding.

Penny scrunched up her face, "Did he tell you his family is super prejudice against white floozies?"

"Did he mention there would be no money?" Bernadette asked.

Missy shook her head, "Yes. And I might have to become a Hindu. That would affect my life badly. I still get away with a lot of bad behavior with Mom because I have Jesus in my heart… things I could not get away with if I had Shiva in there." Missy locked eyes with her twin across the room. She smiled, to indicate she was not emotional. He tilted his head, she nodded and crossed to Siebert. Sheldon and Missy may not have had a psychic link, but when trying to pull something over on a third party, they were hard to beat.

Two things had just happened for Sheldon, Raj had just broken the compact of the group costume, that meant Sheldon and Amy could quickly eat, take a lap to show off their costumes, get in a cab and get back to her place for hard-core napping. And Missy had a new target.

All the things that made Siebert unacceptable as a romantic rival, made him a very interesting choice for Missy. He had money, some power, was not married, had enough intelligence where in the event Missy produced an egg with potential to be a homo novus, his genes wouldn't ruin it. Also, he was just enough of an asshole to appeal to Missy long term. Sheldon glanced at Amy. Her eyes were bright and the smirk on her face told him that she had just made a similar assessment.

She had. She could be friends with Jinx if he was her brother in law. Even Sheldon couldn't be mad about that. And oohh… what a lovely way to get Missy to LA. In spite of Missy's bitchiness and mercurial nature and because of them, she was everything Amy had ever wanted in a sister. Now if Amy wanted to aid this occurrence she had one action she needed to take.

Get Sheldon out of this room before he ruined it.

Amy hurried to where Sheldon was standing, "The compact of the group costume has been broken." She said, before grabbing his wrist and hauled him toward the exit.

Missy went up to Joshua, "Hello Batman, I am Talia al Ghul, I think I have to kill you." She drawled, sweetly.

"Well my date has been kidnapped," His eyes narrowed watching Amy and Sheldon's escape, "So that is probably going to be the highlight of the night."

"That may have been my fault. I kind of told Bane it wasn't going to happen…" Missy shrugged, "just as in the comic books, he got pissy."

"Not a huge problem. And I refuse to believe that you read the comic books?" Josh asked skeptically.

"Not usually, but the girls and I wanted to get into character so we read a few key issues as directed by the cadre of geeks that keeps buying us dinner." Missy smiled, "My secret identity is Missy." She held out her hand to be shaken. He obliged.

"Mine's Joshua Siebert." He smiled at her. She was probably the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, which unfairly made him wonder if she was shallow and/or dim.

"I know. My last name is Cooper." Her smile became more amused.

"No."

"Yep. And probably worse than you think." Here she giggled, "I am Sheldon Cooper's twin sister."

"Wow that is worse." Josh felt deflated, so the super-villainess had motives. "So are you here to tell me to stay away from Amy, because I am not pursuing her except as a friend."

"Right." Missy nodded, "Here's why I don't believe you. Amy's a great girl. She is really smart and that is clearly appealing to you, she has started dressing to accentuate her assets, pun intended, and she is just a swell girl. She is also my mother's only hope for grandchildren."

"Well, I don't really care what you or your brother think." Josh wanted a drink and started lumbering off in search of it.

"You should." Missy trailed behind him as he walked to the bar, "Listen, he is my brother and he is crazy. I don't care what my Mom says about having him tested. He is a nut bag with a predilection for villainy. But he is brilliant so we call it eccentricity. Amy keeps things on par for him. That keeps him from developing his death ray. So what is your plan, Dr. Siebert?"

"Do you want a drink?" He interrupted her. Gesturing to the evil clown tending bar.

"Let's go with beer. And let's open it ourselves." Missy said, getting a little pale, "Clowns are the worst."

"Mimes are the worst," Josh smiled waving the Clown over, "But Clowns are pretty bad."

_A/N: Missy and Josh weren't originally going to happen, but they like each other. Still not too sure about Padma and Raj… Sorry about the lateness of the update, I had a bunch of Canadian Expats staying at my house. Also my muse and I were partying most of the weekend. Smut in the next chapter!_


	19. Jump

_As always, I own nothing._

**Jump**

Getting back to Amy's apartment had been quite the little sleigh ride to hell. It took forever to find a taxi, when they did… well it smelled like the party had gotten started early… and had involved bacon and vodka. Or bacon vodka... Sheldon laid his jacket down on the seat and hoisted Amy into his lap assuring her they could throw the jacket in to the trash chute at her place, "Next time you go as Catwoman, I am Batman."

Amy smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck, "I like you as the Riddler." She kissed his cheek, "Green is your color."

He ran his hand from her hip to her knee, "You look good too, I just have one question."

"Hmmmm?"

"How did you get all this on and how do we get it off?"

"That is two questions." Amy turned in his lap, so she could look at him, "But they are valid. Since the second one is more pressing. Let me just say, the floor is open for suggestions."

"Is there a mystery zipper?"

"It isn't a mystery. In fact, I think I will have a scar." She guided his hand to her left side, where he felt a hidden zipper run from her arm pit to under her yellow belt.

Sheldon had greater knowledge of skin tight super hero costumes that Amy, he was pretty sure he could get her top off. "Below the waist?" he asked

"No zippers, just are super itchy leggings. It is like they are made from Barbie dresses from the 80's. Not to over sell the sexiness here, but you may have to throw me into a big bath of Aveeno." He responded by sliding his hands into her hair and kissing her deeply. "Oh wait. I forget you were already planning on sanitizing me…" she breathed into his mouth, "Silly me."

Raj pulled Padma into the limo, "What do you think you are doing?" he asked in his Scrooge McDuck voice.

"Coming to a party." She huffed. "Aren't you here with Miss Texas Bitch?"

"That is nothing. We are just…" Suddenly Padma reached up and pulled off his mask and voice modulator. Frowning she threw it across the limo. "Hey, that was hard to put together!"

"You sound ridiculous." She hissed. Then narrowed her dark brown eyes, "What is wrong with you?"

That felt like more than a theoretical question.

"A lot." He admitted, "I want to get married. I want to not be alone anymore."

"So you'll profess your love to any warm body? That is so romantic."

"No it isn't, but it would be after. If I can find a wife, I know it will be romantic. It will be perfect." Raj said defensively.

Padma started crying, "Why do you think that? That is what crazy people think."

"I don't know. I don't. I am not that crazy. I just hate beginnings. I'd rather jump in the middle." Raj said, "Don't you want that too? To have that one thing settled so you can move on to the good part?"

"What if we are wrong for each other?" Padma asked.

"We aren't. We are almost the same person." Raj replied.

"You were mean to me. You ignored me because there was a prettier girl," she said. "one who can talk to be people."

"You told me you didn't want to marry me!"

"Well, I didn't!" Padma shouted, then wiped her eyes. "I had just met you! I liked you very much. But it was weird. And later I thought, I should just have said yes. Settle it, have a nice husband, build a family, get everyone off my back. Then I thought I'd have a chance to talk to you about it, but then you were with her!" Suddenly she snarled, "She's mean. You let her be mean to me!"

"I am sorry. I thought I was in the friend zone! I didn't have any hope there." Raj explained, "Missy and I have a little flirty thing. For years. Nothing ever happens. Nothing can. I made her break up with me today. And she won't be mean anymore."

Padma ripped off her cowl and threw it in the general direction of his voice modulator. "Why? How?"

"Why? I don't know. How? I told her the truth."

"Which was?"

"My parents won't approve. I'd probably get disinherited if I marry a girl from the wrong caste. Let alone marrying a white non-hindu…"

"Did she hit you? For being a jerk. Was she really upset?" Padma smiled, evilly.

"No. I think she was relieved." He frowned, giving her the angry eye brows, "Why are you here with Seibert?"

Padma's brows knit together, "Because he asked me. He is trying to get me to take a position at Caltech." She pushed Raj, "You Jerk. He asked me to come tonight to see if it would be weird to work with you. It was sweet of him!"

"Sweet? Sweet my little brown ass." He wrapped his arm around Padma's waist and kissed her hard on the lips. Feeling her arms slip around his neck, he softened the kiss, running his hands over her costume encased body. Hearing her coo, appreciatively, he flipped her on her back, "I am going to show you how much fun the middle of the ocean is." He whispered.

Sheldon's skill at costume removal amazed Amy. It had taken her an hour to get that torturous thing onto her body, it took him 5 minutes to liberate her from her lycra prison and get her into a post taxicab decontamination shower. He bagged his own costume in a spare medical waste bag Amy had left over from when she lived with Ricky before joining her.

"No funny business until we cleanse," Sheldon warned as sternly as a naked man could. Amy nodded. Showering after public transportation was a serious matter to Sheldon. On issues that didn't directly muck up her sex life, she had no desire to change him.

That didn't mean she wasn't going to play. Soaping her hands up, "turn around, please." He complied and she began to scrub his back, "mmmm. I've missed you." She whispered.

"I've missed you too." He sighed, "5 days apart is lunacy."

Amy giggled, "You've seen me every day."

"In public." He turned around smiling, "not alone." He kissed her softly, "We need alone time."

"Yes. As much as I love…" she paused… "your first roommate?" He nodded his approval of that descriptor, "I'll be glad when she is back in Texas."

"Agreed." He took the soap from her, "Less talk, more sanitizing."

Missy trailed after Josh, "Come on, you know you want to talk to me."

He turned and glared at her, "So is arrogance a family trait?"

She smiled brightly, "Yes." She stepped closer to him, "So is impulsiveness and poor sportsmanship."

"Getting by on your looks then?"

Missy chuckled, wow. He was seriously unimpressed. God, she loved a challenge! "Barely." She paused, "Listen our dates ran off, we may as well hang out together."

"Are you serious?" Josh asked, his voice inadvertently deepening into Batman territory. She was insanely hot. And possibly crazy… Well, so much for looking for a nice girl who wouldn't ruin his life.

"Really. I promise you won't be bored." Missy held out her hand, "Seriously, it is me or the Bug dude from Northern Manitoba. And I am a much better dancer."

Even though Amy was on top, Sheldon was still being bossy as hell. "Faster, darlin'," He growled, raising his hips to meet her every movement. It was good for her but not quite as good.

"Fine, Bossman." she whispered, leaning over him, her long hair caressing his bare chest. "Flip me." Apparently that was just what he'd been waiting to hear, because he instantly obliged. Once she was on her back he pushed her arms over her head and began to thrust inside her, harder, faster, deeper. She loved this, feeling how much he desired her, knowing now they were on exactly the same page. She quickly began making the harsh little growls that started in the back of her throat that told him, she was so close. He had learned quickly that when she made that noise, the key to pushing her over the edge was to get a rhythm going, then do something she wasn't expecting. Like lick her ear or… scream, "**Oh, God… Amy, marry me! You have to marry me!"** at the top of his lungs.

It worked. Better than that they finally achieved simultaneous orgasm. A powerful, lengthy mutual climax. And for the first time, sex had become super awkward. He stared down into her wide shocked eyes. "What did you say?" she panted.

"Don't leave me." Here came the panic.

"Don't be an idiot. Answer my question."

"I think I demanded that you marry me." He said rolling off of her and onto his back. He mentally berated himself. He was Leonard stupid. Amy sat up and flicked on her bedside light.

"Was it just sex talk? I mean… Do you want to marry me?" She asked.

"Would you say yes? If I asked you in a way that was less… the way it came out?" He sat up and pulled her back into his arms.

"Of course!" Amy laughed, kissing his face, "just a little surprised."

"Would you be willing to consider this a pre-proposal? The one we don't tell the ladies in Galveston and Orange County about. Ever."

"So this wasn't planned?" she asked innocently.

"Good Lord, no. But that doesn't mean I didn't mean it. I just means that this is not how I would like to do it." He kissed her again, "The real one really is coming. I promise. I'll even put the request in question form."

She ran her hands through his hair and pressed her forehead against his. "Don't worry, baby. You are 3 ½ years ahead of schedule."

_A/N I am sorry this took forever! I got writer's block. Then I realized how much I liked making the ladies take a bite out of Wil Wheaton's ass… There is going to be a wrap up Chapter. Then the wedding will be a separate story._

_But I will be in Europe for 3 weeks so there may not be much for updates after Sunday._


	20. Jeopardy Rules

I own nothing. Chuck Lorre, Bill Pardy and Warner Bros own all.

**Jeopardy Rules**

During the next few weeks, Sheldon had researched what components a proposal of marriage that was likely to be accepted should contain.

A ring. Clearly.

Working with Howard's cousin David almost since the minute they left the conference in Santa Barbara, Sheldon was having her ring made. He felt on shaky ground here, since the ring was not the traditional diamond solitaire. But it was perfect, it couldn't be more perfect.

A narrative. A narrative a couple could tell their mothers.

Demanding (not asking, demanding) that your girlfriend marry you just before you ejaculate…. That failed the criteria. A lesser woman than his Amy ( cough…Penny…cough) might have been angered or insulted. Amy had assured him that when he did propose properly, he would be warmly received. And then to emphasize her point, she received him warmly 2 more times that evening.

So, technically, the pressure was off him. She would agree to marry him. All he really had to do was get the ring and be sure that his proposal was in the form a question.

So… Jeopardy rules.

Sheldon disliked being blessed by low expectations. With that in mind, he needed to step this up. Make it super romantic.

Unfortunately, while he was getting an excellent hang of sexy time, romantic time was not as simple. Because Amy was not the usual girl, the romantic advice of his friends and family would most likely be inadequate. She had an IQ of 180, she was within 7 years of her Nobel prize, she was within 2 months of curing Raj's mutism, things she had stated she found romantic, were not considered romantic by any other standard. That meant he was going to have to trust his instincts.

His instincts. The same ones that had told him that ordering her to marry him while he had her pinned down and was having his way with her was a nifty idea. Those instincts.

Sheldon needed to decide this on soon. David had telephoned. The ring had arrived and it was ready.

Amy and Missy were having a skype chat, "So you've been talking every day? For the whole month?"

"Yes. It is kind of romantic, you know being forced to take it glacially slow." Missy admitted. "I am really seriously thinking about moving out to LA with y'all. East Texas is just a pile of bad memories and missed chances. Also. George's second wife found out about his third wife…"

"Oh, no." Amy giggled, "Did he shoot himself in the butt again?"

Missy laughed, "That would be fun. But Carly is more of a bow hunter." She sighed, "I am just so relieved he had that vasectomy." Seeing Amy looked puzzled, "Do not tell Mom or Shelly. But before Daddy died, he took Georgie to get a vasectomy."

"Why?"

"Because my father was a man of wisdom. He also told Mom that Shelly would find his own girl, in his own way."

Amy beamed, "That is so sweet. Did he tell Sheldon that."

"No. He told Sheldon that any woman that Mom introduced him to would not be worth a damn. And that he didn't have to date anyone if he didn't like them a lot." Missy smiled, "I know Daddy had flaws, but he loved us kids, fierce."

"That's sweet." She said, putting her face in her hands. "But come to LA soon. You are just the perfect girl for my boy Jinx."

Raj and Padma were engaged. Once they had achieved mutual sexual satisfaction with some of the more complicated positions of the Kama Sutra in the back of a limo, the fact that they were destiny was hard to argue. They had called their parents to announce their engagement the next day. Naturally there was much rejoicing in New Delhi and Mumbai.

They had asked that the matchmaking fee be divided between Bernadette, Amy and Penny thus ensuring that their friends would have no excuse not to come to their wedding. In Mumbai. Since the match making fee was 5% of the dowry (the hefty dowry), the couples could travel in style.

Also, Amy and Bernadette's drug cocktail was working and had minimal side effects. Raj could talk to his fiancée without drinking or taking off all his clothes and letting his freedom ring.

The secret that Amy and Bernadette vowed to take their grave was that the drug cocktail was Gingko Biloba, St. John's Wort and Folic Acid. As predicted, Raj experienced all of the possible side effects. Dry mouth, restless leg syndrome, increased Libido, erections lasting 90 minutes (you're welcome Padma!) and euphoria.

Since Raj seemed to understand women better, theoretically, Sheldon went to him for advice. Raj wept, then made up a list of places that would be meaningful to Amy. That would show loving forethought.

The coffee shop where they met? No, she'd be onto him in no time flat.

The movie theater where he'd asked her to date him? No. It wasn't a very nice theater. Sticky.

The hotel room where they first made magic happen? Interesting. Clearly, at a later date that would be a whole lot of fun. Sheldon, however, wanted to emphasize more than their physical passion. Sexy time was amazing, but it didn't change the fact that her brain and her spirit would always be the most beautiful things about her. He needed to reach Smart Amy.

With that in mind, Sheldon told Raj his possible plans. He knew he found the right one when Raj burst into tears and yelled, "Dude! That is so beautiful!"

So clearly, if he could just remember Jeopardy rules, he and Amy were getting engaged.

Amy wasn't looking for the actual proposal anytime soon. Her life was so amazing right, now that if he wanted to put a bit of time between the bossy version (amazing, crazy, sexy version) and the one they could tell their families, it wasn't a problem.

Now every Thursday night was date night/fun slumber party. And whenever there were 5 Thursdays in a month… It was anything can happen Thursday!

Amy wasn't going to lie. Tonight was the fifth Thursday in November and she could not wait to see how that would be interpreted.

For her part, she had packed her Starfleet Medical mini dress with go go boots and some thigh high fishnets. Might as well steer the ship to the rough waters of Pon Farr.

Amy then ordered Leonard to leave his apartment and not return until Friday evening. He agreed without complaint. Amy's continued presence as a sleep over guest was really working out for Leonard. For one thing, on nights after Amy worked her sexual voodoo, Sheldon was Captain Willie McChillyson of the federation starship Relaxation. It's five year mission?

To not worry about it.

Also, she made breakfast. And the woman did things to French toast day… Penny was just lucky Leonard loved her so much.

Letting herself into the empty apartment, she began her preparations. Sheldon had told her that he wouldn't be there until 7pm because Howard was going to take him on a few errands. But he would bring take out. That gave her an hour or so to transform herself into Medical Officer Foxy-Vixen of the Federation Starship Cosplay. She went into his room and got his Spock costume out.

She laid it out over the sofa so it would be the first thing he saw went he entered the apartment. Along with the note that read, "Mr. Spock, suit up and meet Dr. Vixen in the sick bay."

30 minutes later, Sheldon showed up with Italian Food and small velvet box in his jacket pocket.

"God damnit." He hissed seeing the note and the costume. If this mean what he thought it meant, this could disintegrate into what could literally be the dirtiest proposal of all time. Which left him high and dry in terms of narrative. "Amy come out here!" he yelled.

The vixen appeared wearing her mini-dress, sexy boots and amazing stockings, "Yes. Mr. Spock?" she frowned seeing he hadn't changed. Defensively, she huffed, "It is anything can happen Thursday."

"Come here." He ordered. When she complied he kissed her softly on the lips, "Just let me do this, then you and I are going straight back to the holodeck." Amy wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his chin, "Okay." He said firmly, "Sit on the sofa."

She sat in her spot in the middle of the large leather couch. Instead of taking his spot beside her, he nudged her legs apart and knelt at her feet. "Let's play counter factuals."

"That isn't fair," she ran her palm over his hair, "I've had no time to prepare."

"Just one round." He pulled the card out of his jacket pocket and began to read. "In a world where non-conformity is praised," he took the box out of his jacket, "how would you like this ring?" He opened the box.

Amy squealed.

"Amy. Do you love it or are you frightened by it?" Sheldon asked, his eyes wide.

"Love it!" she kissed him on the lips. The ring was a large pale green gem, set in gold, surrounded by small diamonds. Also in the box was a pendant of the same gold with smaller versions of the green gem.

"Good." He took a deep breath, thinking Jeopardy Rules, "Amy, will you marry me?"

She didn't hear him, still transfixed by the shiny object in her hand.

Seriously, the best woman in the world and she was still mesmerized like a raccoon. "Amy, will you marry me?"

Laughing she nodded happily, "Of course! Now talk to me about the ring! Is it a ring or necklace?"

Sheldon beamed, "Both. I know it isn't traditional, but the design was based on a ring a Swiss watch maker had designed for his daughter when she qualified as a chemist in the late 1890's." He held the golden pendant and popped the ring into the center. It clicked making the ring into a showcasing the large gem, "So instead of having to put your ring God knows where when you work, you can just snap it into the necklace." She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him deeply. When she let him up for air, "The stone is a green amethyst also known as prasolite. I thought it would match your eyes better than emeralds or jade." He popped the ring out and slide it onto her finger. "I had it made for you."

Tears flowed down Amy's face, "I love you so much."

"I love you too." He had become acquainted with the tears of joy concept. He gently dried her teardrops with the pads of his thumbs. "So to clarify, we are engaged?"

"Yes!"

"And you like the ring, even thought is not traditional?

Here Amy slid off the sofa into his lap, "it is perfect." She kissed him deeply. "Perfect."

"And when we tell this tale, we don't mention that you are wearing a Starfleet medical officer uniform and fishnet stockings?"

"Agreed." Amy nodded, "And they are fishnet thigh hi's."

Sheldon grinned, "And we never tell the ladies in Galveston and Orange county about what is going to happen now." He pushed her to her feet, "Dr. Vixen, what do you know about Pon Farr?"

_A/N: Okay, that is all for now. Thank you for the reviews and support. I am going to write a Shamy wedding fic._


	21. Pon Farr for Sane People

_Once again, I own nothing._

_**A/N: This for my beloved Smut hounds who wanted to see the post engagement sexy time.**_

**Pon Farr for Sane People**

Only one thing could have drawn Amy from contemplating her engagement ring.

The fact that her Anything Can Happen Thursday Star Trek seduction was on!

Sheldon, being bossy as hell in the bedroom, had elected not to put on his Star Fleet Science Officer Uniform, instead he popped on some Spock ears, took off his clothes and lay down on his Star Trek sheets, under his Enterprise blanket.

Then he realized, went he left for work this morning, the Sheets had been his Darth Vader ones with Millennium Falcon blanket. Amy had changed them.

Because she understood the importance of continuity. And that Star Wars was not Star Trek.

He was easily the luckiest man alive.

"So, Mr. Spock," She purred sitting on the bed, "you believe that you are in state of Pon Farr?"

"Pon Farr is a condition experienced by all Vulcans every 7 years…." Sheldon explained.

Amy placed a finger on his lips, "Shhhh. Concentrate on the dirty parts." He nodded. "You show classic symptoms, elevate heart rate, dilated pupils." She ran her hand over his blanket covered cock, "then there is this."

"Doctor," Sheldon panted, "for your own safety, I will need to be restrained."

Her eyes sparkling, "I bow to your greater knowledge of this condition, Mr. Spock." She went to her purse and took out her blood red silk scarf. She climbed on the bed, straddling his stomach. "Mr. Spock, please grip the slats in the head board." He obeyed. She leaned over him, letting the rough fabric of her dress rub against his bare chest. He hissed. "Oh, dear," she feigned alarm, "I must restrain you at once!" She tied his wrists loosely, so as not to cut of circulation… yeah that was it. That was the only reason.

Amy slithered down his body, so that she was astride his hips. "The treatments are vague here. You need to mate, fight to the death or meditate? Is that correct." Sheldon nodded, rolling his hips upward. "Star Fleet regulations prohibit dueling." She stated, slowly grind against his covered erection, "I sense that meditation will ineffective. That leaves mating." Here, she lay down on top of him, and stared into his lust darkened eyes, "Does it matter with whom you mate?"

"Yes," he tried to kiss her, but she evaded him, "I can only mate with one with whom I share an empathic, spiritual and intellectual bond."

"What happens after you mate? To your partner?" Amy sat back and began rubbing his chest and stomach. Sheldon growled and began panting. "please answer my inquiry, Commander."

"She's mine. Forever." He whispered. "You are mine. Forever."

"I see," Amy said peeling the blanket off his body, "If that is the case, would you object to my assisting you with this problem?" She slid off her panties and climbed on top of him, still clad in mini-dress, boots and stockings

"Amy, darlin'" Sheldon gasped, feeling the direct heat of her body.

"That is Doctor Vixen to you. Mr. Spock," She panted taking him inside of her, "mating for life is no excuse for familiarity."

"My apologies." He groaned, "now… MOVE."

Locking eyes with him, she began to ride him slowly, knowing that would drive him nuts. He wanted to take her hard, and fast, he wanted to be on top.

The visual alone would drive even a lesser Trekker insane with desire. A lovely woman, dressed in a regulation Starfleet uniform, fuck me boots and fish nets riding his cock, purring with delight.

Purring was fairly low on the scale of sexy animal sounds. Clearly, she also knew, there was room for improvement. This pace was almost torture. He began to twist his wrists, loosening the restraints. Amy didn't notice, as she leaned backwards, placing her hands on his strong thighs, searching for the position that would turn purrs into owl noises. Her eyes shut tight as moved her hips faster. He freed his hands as the first delicious hoot escaped her lips. He pushed himself into a sitting position, and pulled her against him hard, "Enough teasing, Doctor." He growled pushing deep within her before devouring her sweet mouth. He didn't remove her clothing, he wanted to take her like this. He pushed her into the position that he'd been in, "I won't tie you up, darlin'" he growled, "But hold onto the slats." He felt himself getting back into character, imaging that his blood was on fire for her. Actually, since he'd been surrendering to his Inner Texan on a regular basis, he was pretty sure that his blood might actually be capable of burning him from within.

Drawing, her legs around his waist, the friction of the stockings against his skin was maddening, as was the soft kiss of the smooth leather of her boots over his ass and the back of his thighs. He began to pound into her, making her cry out, her arms trembling as her fingers gripped the headboard. "Love you… Love you…" she began to chant softly.

"Shan-hal-lak," he growled, seeing her eyes widen curiously, "Vulcan for the engulfment of emotion… Which this is." Sheldon found the fast rhythm, "You are mine… say it!"

"I am yours." She screamed as her orgasm ripped through her, "Always…" He followed her a few seconds later, before collapsing on top of her, and kissing her gently.

As the fever left their blood he rolled off of her, still panting. "Okay. This maybe too soon to say this…"

"You want to request this for the honeymoon?" Amy turned her head and smiled at him. His eyes were closed and he nodded enthusiastically. She giggled, "Very well, we'll put it in the wedding agreement."


End file.
